Be Confident

In this day and age a lot of focus is placed on ourselves. We post little snippets of our lives on social media, convinced that our friends really truly want to see a picture of the food we're eating or what we look like in that new outfit. Selfie posting becomes a daily ritual.

All of this serves to make us appear more confident than we actually are. Everyone struggles with fears of how they fit in and everyone wants validation. It becomes especially apparent when we share a detail about our lives that isn't validated by the people we think will validate it. We announce a new job or a new house or a new relationship and when people fail to be appropriately excited for us, it hurts.

However, even when our friends and family are supportive it can still be difficult to be confident in our decisions or dreams.

We become our own worst enemy when we allow ourselves to listen to that inner voice that screams at us that we can't while drowning out the whispers from ourselves and others that say we can. It holds us back from accomplishing great things and pursuing our passion.

When I left the military many years ago, I was equipped with computer skills that allowed me to further myself in a career that was financially rewarding. By the time I was 25, I was clearing 6 figures...but I was absolutely miserable. When I finally ditched that career to pursue my passion, it was hard and still is. I don't make near as much as I did in computers and I probably never will. It has been hard to not return to computers when I log into my bank account and freak out over the balance. However, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I am so much happier and more fulfilled in my new career and there is no amount of money that replaces that.

I like to joke that money can't buy happiness but I'd rather cry in a mansion but it isn't true.

At the end of the day I am exhausted and underpaid but sometimes I feel like I make a genuine difference and that makes it all worth it...if I had listened to that voice that said "you can't do this" I would still be absolutely miserable.

So go confidently in the direction of your dreams...because nothing replaces the feeling of becoming who you were meant to be.

Be kind. Be supportive. Be fearless. Be confident.

Be Supportive

So many people I run into in my work and personal life do not have a clear understanding of what it means to be supportive or to request someone else to be supportive for that matter.

There are some people who think that being supportive means agreeing with everything they say or do. If you disagree with their method they are quick to say "You are not being supportive". It is possible to be supportive while at the same time disagreeing with someone. For example, you can say "it isn't what I would do, but if you think that's the best thing for you to do, I support your decision to do that" or you could say "I'm not sure it is wise, but I'm behind you 100%". If what they are doing is completely off base, feel free to say "I'm sorry, I cannot be supportive of this, I don't agree with it, but I hope it works out for you".

Even more difficult for people it seems, is to set themselves aside and actually BE supportive. I know you all know that one person that manages to turn every. single. thing. that happens to you into something they've gone through, are currently experiencing, have been through worse, or know someone who knew someone who met someone at a wedding who knew someone once ten years ago who went through something very similar.

Those kind of people suck.

Even better are the people who will ask you about something while already forming in their minds how they are going to turn it into some problem or issue they have with you. So while you're down at your lowest point, they're kicking you in the face doing even further damage by bringing up some wrongdoing you may or may not be guilty of.

Seriously? NOW is the time for you to bring this up? You suck.

Being supportive is an important skill if you hope to gain support from someone further down the road. Hell, even if you don't, it is still a good skill to have if you hope to find, make, and keep relationships.

It amazes me how many times I will see or hear someone being an absolute jerk to someone they know doesn't have the time or energy to deal with their issue.

In my personal life, this has happened no less than three times this week alone. It boggles the mind.

If you cannot be supportive, or you're unwilling to be supportive, try staying silent.

Sometimes it is imperative that you set yourself aside, let it be about someone else for a change, and simply offer a word of hope, a hand of friendship, or a warm hug.

Trust me, it WILL come back to you.

If you are reading this, take a minute to think about times you've been less than supportive of someone around you and imagine how it would feel if when you really needed someone, they completely failed you. Then make a promise to try your hardest not to be that person.

That is all.

Be gentle, my people. The world is missing a lot of gentle these days.
Be kind.
Be supportive.

Perceptions

In one breath we say "You can't judge a book by its cover" and then in the next we'll say "You never get another chance to make a first impression". While both statements have merit, they contradict each other.

As people, we are quick to judge other people we come in contact with, often without knowing anything about them at all. The person you think looks scruffy on the street may have been sitting bedside by a dying person and not had the chance to shower yet. Or maybe they worked a long shift and are headed home to shower...or they could have woken up that day and said "I don't feel like taking a shower today" and headed off because they don't expect to be judged by their appearance.

Yet we all judge by appearance....without knowing the background story or even if there IS a background story. Maybe that person you just met is quiet because they have social anxiety, or maybe they just got really bad news, or maybe they are in pain, or maybe they're introverted, or maybe they just don't have anything to say at the moment.

You can't know a person until you take the time to get to know them. Really get to know them. It is more than first impressions, more than what you've heard about them, it is taking an interest in what they have to say and how they say it. Ask them questions, watch how they act when they think nobody is looking.

If you don't take the time to understand a person, truly get to know them, you are doing them a disservice and yourself. You are only looking at your perspective and perception of what is going on with them, and not taking the time to find out if what you are assuming about them is true.

When you don't take the time to get to know someone, you could be missing out on an amazing connection. It is true, you could get to know them and absolutely hate them, and that is okay, but to instantly judge and dislike someone you don't even know causes you to miss out.

That person will continue on, making friends, having relationships, being a member of a family, without you. You may carry on without them, but you may be missing out on the opportunity to make a good friend, have an amazing relationship, or enjoy a great family member.

Be open to new people, they may come in an completely mess you up, but they may come in and completely amaze you. Isn't it worth the risk?

Let it go

The one thing I truly suck at is letting shit go. I am always searching for the solution, resolution, or answer why. I don't know why I can't I just can't let it go.

It causes problems for me, my constant cycle of searching for answers to things that sometimes have no answers...people get tired of hearing about it and want me to just move on but I can't.

So I search and lose people in my life because it is exhausting watching me obsess over something and not move on.

I am committed to dropping shit I can't control and can't change.

I'm tired...tired of dragging along shit that weighs me down and keeps me stuck in a rut that doesn't help me.

Moving on. Harder than it sounds.

Not perfect but I'm perfectly me

Perfection in human beings is not possible. We cannot be perfect. We will make mistakes and we will learn important lessons from those mistakes. When people cannot accept those mistakes and love us anyway, they fail to return what we are giving them. (If we are giving them that kind of love and acceptance)

Loving someone isn't loving them because they are perfect, it is loving them because they aren't.

When I truly love someone, I find their imperfections acceptable. Yeah, I get irritated, just like anyone else (because I'm not perfect bitches) but the good outweighs the bad and even on days when it doesn't, I make the CHOICE to love that person anyway.

This is why I have the 18 month rule. If I'm not going to remember why I was pissed and still be pissed 18 months from now, it is rarely worth getting pissed over today. (Yes sometimes I fail to apply that rule, lol)

I'm not perfect. I don't want to be. That's too much pressure. Sometimes it is nice to just be balls to the wall crazy (not psychotic crazy, like a kid on cake crazy) it is nice to say something so completely inappropriate you laugh hysterically at the idea of it coming out of your mouth.

But when it is especially nice to not be perfect is when I can show weakness and vulnerability. When I can curl up in my closet and lose my shit over the shitty week I've had and the voice on the other side of the phone is telling me all the ways I can get through this...and all the ways I already have. When I can break down and have someone else pick me up.

That is when I am reminded that I don't have to be perfect. There truly are people out there who will love and support me regardless of the gap in my teeth, the blood clot in my chest, and the fact that I'm not 150 pounds. People who don't mind that I cry sometimes for no flipping reason and lose my temper because I got cut off in traffic. People who don't expect perfection from me because they know they aren't perfect themselves.

I am not perfect. I don't want to be. I am perfectly me though. I am kind and gentle and caring and beyond generous. I am fearful and insecure and have a trigger temper. I will be dramatic and whiny when I'm sick (and sometimes when I'm not). I'm okay with that. If you're not...you know where the door is honey.

Be gentle. Be kind. Belong. Be forgiving. Be imperfect :)

Letting go

Sometimes there is nothing harder than letting go. We are born into families that are not always healthy and are not always supportive but we are raised to love our family and put them first in our life. To turn our backs on that is a betrayal of our blood and in some families, to turn your back on your family is a sin.

While it is true that sometimes we hurt the ones we love the most, it doesn't have to be. We don't have to be jealous and mean and cruel. Sometimes loving someone is a choice made deliberately despite being angry or hurt.

Sometimes we get to the point where loving that family member means not loving ourselves. It means allowing ourselves to be caught in a constant cycle of abuse that only ends when we love ourselves enough to say enough.  Sometimes you can't love someone enough without not loving yourself enough.

When that happens, it can't be a healthy relationship because only one person is being allowed to be authentic.

Then a choice has to be made...lose yourself or save yourself.

This week I'm saving myself. I can't love my family enough to make them love me back. I can't stop being the person they force me to be. I can't love myself and them at the same time because they don't want me to be lovable. They want me to be bitter and angry and miserable.

I'm not that person. So it is time. Time for someone in my life to finally stand up for me and say enough...and that person has to be me because there is nobody else willing or able to do it for me.

So today I am letting go...and moving on. I'm sad and so very sorry that I can't bring them with me but they don't want to come along and that is their choice.

Be gentle my people. Be kind. Be loving. Belong...and be willing to let go.

I belong

Belonging is something I feel is a basic human need. I'm not sure that everyone would agree with me on this, but this is my blog so what I say goes bitches. (insert maniacal laugh here)

I've never felt like I belonged. I suppose when I was younger I might have, but I don't have many memories of life before 4. When I was 5, I was summarily dropped off at my aunt's house for her to deal with while my parents went to prison. My aunt and uncle were older, and their collective children were grown and out of the house. Along comes three children they didn't sign up for and they didn't hide their disappointment and frustration at being saddled with three kids. Unfortunately, the byproduct of that was that I didn't feel loveable or wanted and by proxy, I didn't feel like I belonged to them, with them, or in their house.

When I became an adult, actually throughout my entire childhood, I thought that once I became an adult, my life would be in my own hands, I would carve out my own destiny and people would treat me the way I treated them. If I loved someone enough, they would return the favor.

Then reality crashed in like a 90 year old woman behind the wheel of a Lincoln. I found that people will abuse you, use you, destroy you given half a chance.

Added into this was the internal struggle I had with my own sexuality and my external struggle to be "good enough" for my parents to finally love me.

By the time I have reached the ripe old age of 37 I have been convinced by the people around me and my own automatic negative thoughts (GO GO DBT Training) that I don't belong anywhere.

Recent events (which I have promised myself I will blog about when I'm good and ready) have led me down this winding path of self discovery and avoidance that is only worthy of a trained social worker who should know better.

So I say to my girlfriend that I feel like I don't belong to anyone and she says "well you really only belong to yourself" and I looked at her like she had three heads and was completely failing to pat my leg and assure me that my life truly sucks. (Which was really what I wanted in the first place)

Now that it has been nearly a week since she said it, and I've calmed down and thought on it I realized she is right.

I've been looking for someone else to make me feel like I belong when really I haven't let myself feel like I belong all along.

So today I've decided. I belong to me. If someone else wants to come alongside me and share the ride for awhile, good on them. I don't have to worry if I belong somewhere because I do...because wherever I am, I belong.

Be gentle, Be kind, Be forgiving. Belong :)

Two sides to every story

I know we all know that there are two sides to every story, but where we all come up short sometimes is remembering this when we're attempting to sift through stories to ascertain the truth....and where we really seem to fail is remembering this when the story is our own story.

Every single person comes into each situation with their own ideas, perceptions, past experiences, personal bias, fears, insecurities, etc. All of these combine to color our memory of conversations, past events, present events, etc. When we fail to recognize, acknowledge and even sometimes challenge these things, we do ourselves injustice, but most importantly we can fail the people we are interacting with.

We are sometimes so quick to assume or draw conclusions about the motivations, behavior, or words of someone else, often without asking simple questions that could enlighten us to what is actually going on in the minds of the people we are drawing conclusions about.

For example, we may assume someone has ignored a text or an email and they may not have received it, may not have noticed it, or may not be anywhere near the device that receives these things. This can lead to assumptions and drawn conclusions that are completely off base, just because we didn't call and ask that person "did you get my email" or "did you get my text".

This weekend, I've encountered this twice. Assumptions made about me or something I may or may not have said, done, thought...without the courtesy of a question allowing me to state my case, make my side of the story known, or explain whatever it was that is being assumed.

One incident will likely resolve itself and if it doesn't, then so be it. The other situation is impossible to fix because the people involved quite simply don't want to fix it. A story has been told, and believed, without the opportunity for me to even know what the story is in the first place.

It is frustrating...to have been judged unworthy without so much as a trial. Without being able to testify on my behalf. Without even the courtesy of a question "did you do this?"

Rather than spin my wheels in frustration, I am choosing to take this situation and remind myself that I have done this very thing to others in the past and remind myself that this does damage, sometimes permanent damage.

I will use this to remind myself not to be guilty of this in the future. To always seek an answer to the question why even if I don't like the response. Conversely, to always allow myself to be questioned if nothing more than to determine what my motivations are.

I vow to always remember, there is more than meets the eye, there are a plethora of factors that are being applied to each and every single situation and it is seldom what you think since you (and by you I mean me) are bringing your own crap into every situation.

Be gentle! Be kind! Be open! Be honest! Be fair.

Fear

Fear and anxiety are a part of life. If anyone tells you they have no fear, they are lying. Which means they either have a fear of vulnerability or of telling the truth ;)

Fear, and the anxiety that usually walks hand in hand with it, causes us to do a lot of terrible things to people that probably don't deserve it. We will strike out at people, push people away, use people, hurt people, and leave people, all because of our fears. I'm guilty.

Very recently several people have allowed their fear to cause me hurt, harm, and may cost me things I can never replace.

It has been difficult. Processing someone else's fear response, trying to forgive them for things said about me, assumptions made about my motivations, acts of violence committed against me and my character has been at times downright impossible. Partially because if these people would have taken the time to share their fears with me, I could have alleviated them, but mainly because their fear reactions have caused my own fears to be triggered as well.

Fear that I will be rejected, left alone. That I will lose someone I love dearly and that I will lose my livelihood.

My motivations are simple...I want to love and be loved. Basic human need. I want to heal hurts, change lives, make a difference in the World. I want to leave a legacy. I want my daughter to look at me and think "I'd love to be compared to her when I grow up". When you boil it all down though, I really just want to be loved and be able to love those people who love me in return.

A friend recently texted me that she is so afraid of being hurt by falling in love. I replied that in order to experience the thrill of loving and being loved, you have to be willing to risk being hurt.

Fear stops us from being authentic, from being perfectly us, with all of our imperfections. Our attempts to hide those imperfections, our fear that we will be found lacking, they cause our imperfections to be highlighted.

There is good fear, healthy fear. It causes us not to break the law, because we are afraid to go to prison. It causes us to lock our doors so we are not robbed, to avoid unsafe areas. Fear kicks in our self preservation and can be very healthy...

But when we let fear take over, when we allow it to stop us from being authentic... When we are too afraid to ask for what we need...we lose out. We aren't ourselves and how can we love and be loved if we aren't willing to be ourselves??

Who pays the price for our fear? Sure, we may strike out at someone, we may drive them away, we may keep ourselves from being hurt...but we may end up alone, miserable, untrusting, bitter, angry, trapped in a cage we created because we were too afraid to step out in fear and say "I need to be loved". In the end, who pays?

We do. Be gentle my friends. Be forgiving. Be fearless.

Character

What does it mean...this word "Character"? We have all heard someone say "Oh he's a real character" what does that mean? What does it mean to have good character, or bad character?

To me (and let's face it, this blog is about me bitches) character is about how you present yourself, the entirety of your personality added into the social constructs you choose to participate in and even includes social constructs you choose NOT to participate in...

Well that was awful wordy and didn't say a thing!

Okay so let's distill it a little bit...

Character is what you show to the world when you're out there doing what it is you do when you do what you do (or do not do).

I try to have good character...integrity, honesty, caring, compassion, generosity, forgiveness, the whole nine. At the same time, I cuss like a trucker, burp like a dude (gender stereotypes free of charge), and think practically everything in my life is hilarious. I don't always succeed. Sometimes I downright fail and sometimes I fail on purpose.

Lately, my character has come into question. Quite frequently. Actually much more frequently than I care to even admit. It has been hard...very hard.

Recently someone came into my life who systematically attempted to destroy it. By destroy it I mean, she attempted to bring me down in ways that are unimaginable. She alienated me from my friends and family, violated my trust, stole from my bank account, lied about everything, and then tried to get me fired from my job.

I'm still recouping. Obviously. In the aftermath of this, I am reminded of how important character is, namely, good character. Even still, I'm being accused of terrible things by a noted liar, thief, and con.

The sad part...

Some of them are true.

So I've cried, I've raged, I've cried some more, and raged some more. I've put her in jail, and attempted to survive the destruction she has left behind. I have picked up, moved on, and attempted to glue back together my shattered life.

While doing this I have attempted to learn what there is to be learned from this. The betrayal, the hurt, the lies, the destroyed trust...there must be meaning in it, and I REFUSE to have that meaning be "don't trust anyone" so what do I need to learn....

What I am choosing to learn from this is how important character is...the knowledge that I am not the person she tried to make me be. That I am not guilty of everything she accused me of...and the desire to make myself not guilty of the things she accused me of that were true.

Each day, I get up, and remember to breathe in, and breathe out. Remember that this too shall pass and that I've been through worse and survived...and then I remember that my integrity is still in tact, my daughter is fine, I am alive, and healthy. I am able to love and be loved in return. I will trust again, and I already have. I will have to strive to be better...every day. Some day I will arrive :)

This is my life. Characters welcome :) (Good characters only please, the part of the evil witch has already been cast, lol)

Also, shout out to Christie :P

Tell your story

I'm not sure when we learn that telling our story is not allowed...somewhere in between Kindergarten where show and tell is encouraged and graduation where we have learned that only funny or interesting things should be shared but somewhere in the middle of that we learn to hide our pain or suffering and put on a brave face.

I am sure we have all been told at one time or another to put on our big girl panties and suck it up...but that doesn't mean you can't share your experience.

Sharing your story accomplishes several things:

1. It is cathartic. Telling your story allows you to get it out of your system. It is a purge of what hurts and allows you to reframe it, process it, and move on.

2. It reminds you of where you've been. It is helpful to look at what has shaped you. It helps you figure out what is hanging you up and what is adding to your life.

3. It can inspire others. There may be someone going through what you've just been through and your story may give them hope. You may help them feel less alone in their pain. Maybe you are the only one who went through something but in the future someone else may hear your story and it may help them add perspective to their own or make it through when they encounter the same issue.

Either way, telling your story has value...so don't be afraid to tell it.

Forgiveness

I think forgiveness and love walk hand in hand. You can forgive people you don't love, but you cannot love people you don't forgive. I know you're saying "Oh Forgiveness, enough woman...shut up about forgiveness already!!!"

Hear me out now...

There are things out there that are truly unforgivable...and really truly, you are the only person who can determine what those things are. For some people, the "unforgivable" list is longer than others.

For me, personally, there isn't much I will not forgive. Bump into me, say you're sorry..forgiven. Act like an ass, say you're sorry...forgiven. Eat the last Snickers with almonds... ;)

That being said, I struggle with forgiveness the same as everyone else. Some people in my life have recently pointed out that I am "quick to forgive". I don't know that I am so much quick to forgive as I am anxious to settle issues. I absolutely despise going to bed with issues still brewing out there. They spin around in my head and taunt me with things I shouldn't have said/done and things I should have said/done.

Forgiveness to me is more than being told in Sunday School that we must forgive although that certainly plays a role in my eagerness to forgive.

My true desire to be forgiving stems from my experiences of not being forgiven. I've felt the sting of having an apology laughed at or thrown in my face or ruled to be "insincere". I've anguished over angry words or thrown pepper or various other "unforgivable" things I've done in my past. There was one particular argument I had with my sister that haunted me for years. For years I would lay down at night and replay every word spoken and wish I could take back hurtful things I had said and done to her.

So having walked a "mile" in those shoes, I'd much rather be forgiving than think that my unwillingness to forgive is haunting someone...although it would be nice to think that some jerks out there are laying in bed right now wishing they could take back something they said to me...

The amazing thing to me about forgiveness is when you truly forgive someone, it makes you feel better..like a weight is lifted and you don't have to think about that anymore, it is done and over with.

So along with my desire that everyone out in the world be gentle to each other I would like to request that everyone be forgiving...whatever that looks like for you.

Be Gentle.
Be Forgiving.

:)

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are...e.e. cummings

The road to who I am has not been easy. I would even go so far out on a limb to say my road has been very difficult. I did not have very many caring people in my life growing up and I certainly did not have anyone open minded enough to encourage me to be myself.

Despite all of this, the biggest step of courage I took was admitting to myself that I was not who I imagined I would be when I was growing up, and move into a place of acceptance that who I actually was is better than I could have imagined anyway. That form of acceptance to me, was the most difficult. Far more difficult than others acceptance of me. I suppose, not knowing what I wanted out of myself, others find it easier to see me for who I am, not who I wanted to be and failed to become.

All of that aside, I recently "came out" to my mom. It did not go well. It saddens and surprises me, really. She had to have seen it coming, but regardless, one would hope that the love one has for their child outweighs any "wrongdoings" they may do. That wasn't the case.

The hardest part of this isn't that my mom doesn't "approve" of my "choices". I expected that. It is the feeling that I wasted so much time. That I could have been happier sooner had I just bit the bullet and been myself a long time ago. If I had known it would cost me my relationship with my mom anyway, I wouldn't have put all of the effort, time, and tears into trying so desperately to living up to a standard I cannot live up to.

I am sad. That my mom doesn't get me and will never get me. That she misses out on meeting my girlfriend because she doesn't like that I have one. Mostly I'm heartbroken that she will never understand how desperately I just want to love her and be loved by her. How I don't want her to change, I just want her to stop being so cruel.

Whether that happens or not remains to be seen, but regardless, I am living my life for me now, not someone else and for the first time in my life, I am free.

MICHFEST!

Okay far enough out of re-entry that I feel I can post about fest. For those of you who have stumbled upon this blog or don't know me, or know me but live in a vacuum, Michfest is the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival www.michfest.com that occurs every August in Michigan. It is an amazing week of camping, workshops, music, and fun. (I don't attend workshops, don't judge)

So this year, I had what we call festie virgins with me. Two of my friends from Florida who flew up for the chance to experience a piece of heaven for one week. What a blast!!! We had so much fun and got to sit around and chat and be silly and laugh and cry and eat and enjoy music and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Fest this year was relatively drama free. I was able to spend a lot of time with my daughter which was amazing and meet up with friends each night for night stage which was so fun. The politics wasn't as prevalent as it has been in previous years, maybe because this year I chose to sit it out. No T shirts declaring a side, no color choices, no activism, just fest.

Some artists spoke from the stage, some didn't. It didn't make a statement about them if they didn't....and it didn't make a statement about them if they did....why? Because freedom of speech exists even in a private venue.

As to the intention of festival...I am okay with it changing. I don't understand and cannot picture HOW it can change without creating a mess of problems, but if it does change, and LV figures out how to navigate that issue, I will still return to fest.

Fest is too important to me to leave it behind simply because it changes. We all change. The only constant in life is change. If fest changes, I will still support it.

So that is that...fest was awesome. Re-entry was not :)

Be gentle!

Be Gentle

It is that time of year...July...almost August. I am so excited for Michfest I can barely focus on anything else. I love Michfest because it is women only. There is just something about female energy that is soothing and healing to the soul...but there is something about female ONLY energy that is magic. Hard to describe.

One of the things I crave about fest is the gentleness. I'm not trying to make a correlation between male energy and violence, I'm simply saying...at fest we have an intentional community. Meaning we all agree with the intention of the festival. (This is not about the trans inclusion intention)

The intention of festival is to create a community built by women for women to share like experiences, learn from each other and heal from the day to day stress of living in a world ruled by male energy.

Whether you believe in that or not, not the point here...

The point is, part of our deliberate intention is to be gentle. To the earth, to each other, to the world around us.

This comes to mind more frequently for me in the months of June and July because I am not the most gentle person on the planet...by far. I am a tiger most of the time. Well meaning, but not gentle.

At fest, I get to be gentle, to others around me. To myself. I get to allow myself the breakdown that inevitably comes and not be ashamed of my tears or my pain or my happiness for that matter.

My life has not been gentle. I don't know what gentle looks like...except at fest. I've never felt gentle hugs of reassurance, gentle strokes of loving kindness, gentle words of encouragement. Except at fest.

I walk through July on the brink of tears and cry at the drop of a hat it drives me crazy...mostly because I am preparing for the journey home, to my magic place of Michigan Music where I can sit and cry and still stand strong.

So today, again..life was not gentle and I was faced with something I really am not prepared for and have no idea how to fix or if it can be fixed or if I even want to fix it. Someone was not gentle to me and I didn't want to reply with gentleness but then I think...I have to be a model of what I expect from others.

So tonight...Be Gentle. Give gentle hugs, gentle strokes, gentle words. Hopefully you can receive the same back.

If not, be gentle anyway. Most of all, be gentle to yourself. It is through your love of yourself that you will show others how to love you.

Updates

Thought I would update a bit on my personal life since I've just been posting rambling things and not really updating anything...

I am a hospice social worker currently. Also in school for my doctorate. I started my dissertation (insert panic attack here)

My dissertation is on gaps in services provided to foster youth emancipating from foster care which is fancy for "how come foster kids are homeless all the time".

Obviously it has personal ties to me and the fact that I was a foster kid and then adopted and I finished high school homeless.

My daughter is doing well, and doesn't seem at all messed up which is amazing because there are a million mistakes I make all the time....ALL THE TIME. She's amazing though.

I am currently living in the same place I've been living in all through grad school etc but looking to move to another state soon(ish). Stay tuned for that right? Who knows it could be another 4 years before I update haha.

So that's me in a nutshell. (and believe me, this shell is nutty)

Hasta luego!

You cannot fix what you will not acknowledge

To me, growing up is about personal accountability. In other words, own your shit. It was when I looked back and realized my behavior was horrible that I realized I had grown up. When I could honestly say to my mom "Sorry for being such a shit" and mean it. When I could look at feedback and criticism and not stomp my feet and throw a fit but listen to it, acknowledge it, and actually be THANKFUL for it. It was the day I realized that at the end of the day, it isn't about what was said to me, done to me, or not done for me...it was about what my response was...it was about owning the role I played in what happened to me.

Now I'm not talking about random horrible things that happen...I'm talking about realizing that choices, decisions, activity or inactivity drive me to whatever destination I arrive at.

In the Air Force we were taught the USAF core values:

1. Integrity
2. Service before self
3. Excellence in all we do

I take that kind of seriously...well actually I do take it seriously and I find myself repeating those to myself throughout my life...just randomly they pop into my head. I try really hard to be honest with everyone. Do I succeed every time? No. Not at all.

Recently I was accused by a friend of doing something I didn't do. Not only did I not do it, it hadn't even occurred to me to do it. At first I just simply told her "I didn't do it". Then she was still suspicious so I explained to her that I didn't do it and that I didn't even think along those lines with her. Then she accused me again and AGAIN I told her I didn't do it.

I considered explaining to her all of the reasons why I didn't do it...I was too busy to even THINK about doing it. I had no reason to do it or motive to do it. I have been preoccupied with far more important things than doing that. I don't even know HOW to do what it is she thinks I did.

I didn't do that. Why?

Because she isn't worth it. She knows my character and how important her friendship was to me. I told her the truth when I told her I didn't do it. So the last words I said to her was some day the truth will out and you will realize that I have been innocent all along. I have never lied to her. Ever. I have owned and acknowledged my role in everything that has happened throughout our knowing each other, she has no reason to think that I would lie to her now....but she refuses to accept the truth...why?

I think it really comes down to integrity...

In order to have really good integrity, we have to be honest...with ourselves first, then others. Because integrity is really something internal to each of us. We have to decide whether something breaks our moral and ethical principles or not...which means we have to deal with reality. 

The problem is, when you reject the idea of ethical principles, you begin to think that nobody else operates under them either. My friend couldn't believe that I wouldn't have done what she thinks I did because if the role was reversed, SHE would have done it. She CANNOT accept that someone else may have the integrity NOT to do it. Because of her refusal to be honest with herself, she cannot accept that I am being honest with her.

In a similar vein have you ever noticed that people who cheat always think people are cheating on them? This is because people think that everyone would do to them what they would do to other people. They don't want to acknowledge that they are alone in doing to people what they are doing. It is much easier to think that everyone else would do it, or everyone else IS doing it.

One of the basic tenets of therapy is that you cannot fix what you will not acknowledge.

The same applies to life, yes?

You cannot fix what you will not acknowledge.

I can tell you that there is a wall in front of you and that you need to take exactly ten steps and then jump to clear it. If you don't acknowledge that wall, you're not going to make it over it. You're going to hit it every single time. As soon as you acknowledge that wall, and accept ownership of what you have to do to get over it, you're going to hit it every time. Saying to yourself "that wall doesn't exist" doesn't change the wall. Only acknowledging the wall allows you to get over it.

You may be wronged by someone...someone clearly wronged my friend. You may accuse other people..you may destroy a friendship over it...and that may or may not be justified...but You alone can acknowledge the role YOU played in whatever wrong was purposed against you.

In December, I was sexually assaulted by a friend when I traveled to help them out. There were a million things wrong with the situation. I knew going into it, something wasn't right. As soon as I arrived, I knew. Instead, I was worried about hurting this friend's feelings so I stayed and in the end, she assaulted me.

I can look at that situation and say it is her fault, she assaulted me. That is true. She violated every boundary and committed a crime against me. However, I played a role in that. I walked into a situation with every single alarm bell in my head, gut, hands, feet, heart screaming at me to run back home. I chose to stay. That is my role. It wasn't until I acknowledged that role that I played that I was able to stop having nightmares about it and sleep soundly once again.

Accepting your role in things...doesn't change the responsibility of the other person to accept their role, but it allows you to learn, grow, and not make the same mistake again. It frees you up to forgive, forget, move on, heal wounds, release bitterness, accept reality, fix it, own it, change from it.

Once you do that, then you can be free...and freedom is a good thing. 

Why Gay Marriage isn't a Religious Issue

DOMA got a massive smack in the face today by the Supreme Court. Of course there are three sides to the issue...

1. People who are for DOMA
2. People who are against DOMA
3. Stark raving lunatics who aren't educated on any of the issues, they just spout out what they heard from their husband, boss, coworker, mother, brother, sister, son, daughter, Rush Limbaugh...whatever.

I give those people their own special spot because of this sweetheart I ran into at Wal-Mart today. I turned to my daughter and said "DOMA died today" and of course she had no idea what I was talking about. 1. She's 13 2. She's 13. So I explained to her what it was and what the Supreme Court had to say about it. This woman in front of me turned and said "So the Supreme Court upheld DOMA?" (Hopeful look) and I said "No, they killed it". Her face fell and she said "So states have no power huh?"

Huh?

This is why I made a special category for people who are clueless and just spew whatever party line they were handed by whomever in their life gives a crap about this issue (because clearly they don't).

This leads me to my blog post for today: Why Gay Marriage isn't a Religious Issue.

1. Our country, when it was founded, attempted to separate itself from rule by the church. This is because traditionally, England was ruled by whatever rules governed the church at the time. England if it was catholic followed the rulings of the pope, and if it was Anglican followed the rulings of the head of the Anglican church which was usually the king. These puritans (God bless their witch burning souls) didn't want to be told what to believe and what church to worship at, so they said "Let us hasten awayeth and maketh unto ourselves a new country" and off they went into the wild blue yonder and our sweet little country was born (after we slaughtered a bunch of Indians and pretended we were the first to arrive here). So one of the rules that was important to this little group of religious zealots was that they not be forced to follow any religion so they instituted this idea of "separation of church and state" which, QUITE simply (because I am a simple girl) means that the church will not make laws that everyone has to follow. If one wants to follow the church, one can, and if they don't, they can be burned at the stake...(but that's another story)

2. We assign rights and privileges to married couples that allows for certain benefits, namely tax benefits, health benefits and inheritance benefits to be passed among married couples that do not exist for single people (gay or otherwise). So if you choose to say "I do", you get breaks and benefits and protections that are offered ONLY to married people.

So herein lies the problem.

1. Not everyone is Christian.
2. The church cannot govern the laws of the people.

IF marriage was ONLY a religious institution. That is, if it was only a religious ceremony performed in a church in front of your church family...such as baptism, dedications, etc. Then I would say "Sure you have the right to deny gay people the right to marry since your religious beliefs say gay is bad". Just like someone can walk into a baptist church and be denied baptism because they don't believe the tenets of that faith. Or you can walk into a catholic church and be denied communion for not being catholic. If you walk into a Christian church with a rainbow wig on, they have the right to tell you that they will not marry you.

HOWEVER

When the Federal government assigns rights to that institution, it now becomes a civil rights issue and not a religious issue. If the federal government afforded tax breaks to people who are baptized...it would become a similar issue.

Since people are allowed to get married regardless of faith (even those who have no faith at all!) then you have to allow marriage for people who are involved in a relationship you may think is sinful. Since your idea of "sin" is not necessarily their idea of "sin" and you are not allowed to enforce your personal religious beliefs on other people. I'm sorry, you're not.

This doesn't destroy the "moral fabric" of our society anymore than prostitution and porn and gambling and adultery do.

When you look two people in the face and you tell them "Because I personally believe what you're doing is a sin, you shouldn't get the same rights I do" you are being an asshole. Would you like it if someone was able to come up to you and remove your rights because you don't believe the same thing they do?? This goes directly against the whole reason why America was formed in the first place....for the right to gather practice their religion without the government taking away their rights.

Don't even get me started on the notion of "traditional marriage" anyway. Traditional according to what?

Feeling Special

I was asked recently if I just wanted to see my name on something to "feel special". Considering I was running on 46 minutes of sleep at the time, it wasn't a fair statement to make to me, but it made me think.

What is wrong with wanting to feel special?

I think we can all agree that it is okay to feel special once in awhile. We've all enjoyed our name in lights at one time or another...but more than that, appreciation (or at the very least validation) can go a long way to soothing someone's hurt feelings and make them feel better.

Is it hard to say to someone "Thank you"?

Now if you want to feel special all the time, there can be an issue there, but to be appreciated once in awhile, especially after a long and exhausting day, perfectly okay.

One thing I've struggled with in my childhood and adulthood has been trying hard not to act like I think I am special. I will hold back on good news or hold back a comment and even sometimes dumb myself down just so that people don't think I have an ego I don't have. I will jokingly say I'm kind of a big deal or whatever, but in reality, I need appreciation and approval as much as the next person.

One example of this is my grades and education. I am proud of my accomplishments and I will share them on my facebook or whatever, but I don't make a big deal of it. I don't think I've ever thrown a party for my accomplishments. I've gone out to dinner with friends and I've had a cookout..okay maybe that's a slight party. I kind of feel all the time that I have to say "No its no big deal really" when it kind of is. When I was younger, my sisters struggled educationally so I would downplay my A as not a big deal to my own detriment.

My sisters think school and education has always come easy to me. They haven't seen me skip lunch to study and sneaking out to the living room after my parents went to sleep to study my math one last time before a test. They've not seen me delete entire paragraphs of writing and start it over. Why? Because in an effort to make it look like it didn't matter, I hid how hard I worked for it. So that I could shrug and say No big deal.

Regardless of how hard I worked for it, it would have been okay to feel just a little bit special for getting an A.

So, wherever you are, show your appreciation for people and be genuine. It is okay to make someone feel special once in awhile. It is okay to say Thank you.

Most importantly...it is okay to feel special once in awhile. Celebrate you. You are the only you there is :)

Honesty

Honesty has been a concept that has been rearing its head quite frequently in my life the past few weeks. Not a personal requirement to be honest, more of a concept of honesty. What is the definition of honesty?

Since honesty is an ethical decision, it is important to consider ones ethics when considering honesty. Everybody has a different definition of honesty. Sure, we all agree that walking up to someone and telling them a bold face lie is a violation of honesty, but is omission a violation of honesty? 

In ethics, we discuss the concept of happiness, greater good, and ethical dilemmas such as honesty, integrity, etc. 

To me, my personal definition of honesty, I think absolutely omission is a violation of honesty. 

Let me give you some examples:

1. I walk up to you and ask you "Did the Indians win?" You say "Yes" I find out later, they did not win last night, they lost. Did you lie? 

One thought is yes, you did lie. I asked you a question and you did not give an honest answer. But did you? I didn't say Did the Indians win last night...I said did the Indians win...so...I could have been asking have the Indians ever won a game. So you didn't lie. However, it can be assumed that you knew I was asking about last night...so then you did lie. But what if they were winning when you went to bed and you didn't check the score. Are you wrong for saying Yes when you genuinely thought they won? Did you lie then?

And so begins the idea that honesty is defined by the two parties involved in the conversation. 

What happens when the two parties involved in the conversation have two very different ideas of what constitutes honesty?

For example, someone close to me states that if I don't ask them a direct question, they aren't lying. I maintain that lying by omission is still a lie. Who is right?

For me, personally, I strive to be honest in everything I do. I am not 100% honest, I would argue that nobody is, but I try my best to be as honest as possible. Why? So I can sleep at night. I never replay a conversation wondering if that person knew I was lying, because I'm not.

However, 100% honesty doesn't come without a price. Many people know a lot of dirt on me that they may or may not choose to use at any given time. To me, that doesn't matter, but it has led to embarrassment more than once. The other side of the coin is that people suspect me all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. People think I have some sort of motivation or game I'm playing when in fact, I'm just being (I like to think refreshingly) honest.

In reality I am honest because I cannot stand lying. I cannot stand being lied to, and I frankly don't have enough time in my day to keep lies straight. Not to mention the utter betrayal and insult when I find out that someone has lied to me. My favorite is when people will stand in front of me and lie repeatedly to my face. Sometimes I want to reach out and smack them and say "I'm not that stupid, try again".

I would like to challenge all of my readers (even if it is only one reader, haha) to try honesty on for size. When someone asks you a question, say what comes to mind. Don't think about what is "acceptable" or "expected" speak the truth. Be Brave.

There is a song out right now that I love (isn't it odd how songs are released sometimes RIGHT at the RIGHT time?) This one is by Sara Bareilles..."Brave"

The chorus is:
Say what you want to say, let the words fall out
Honestly
I want to see you be brave.

Think of how refreshing this world would be if people were more honest. There would be no hurt of finding out that someone who was super nice to your face turns out to be a cunt behind your back. You're not going to wonder what someone REALLY thought about your dress, you're going to know...

Sure sometimes the truth hurts, but nothing does as much damage in a life as a lie. Not to mention the real danger...when you start lying to yourself.