Snow!

Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a sad, lonely little girl. This girl had no mommy or daddy and her brothers were gone. Only two of her sisters remained and that made this girl very sad. One day, she had a fight with her bigger sister, who told her “Nobody loves you anyway.” This made the little girl cry and she went outside and sat down and cried. As she cried she said “God, people keep saying you love me, but how could I know you love me, I can’t see you.” Then, it began to snow. The little girl looked up and the snowflakes hitting her face felt like Angel wings. It was then that the little girl knew God loved her.

 

 

Thanks for making it snow today, God….I love you too!

 

 

Updates

I am sorry for being so horrible about updating this blog. For some reason, when I sit to post, I can't think of much to say even though things are very different in life. Some good, some bad, mostly very good.

So far, this year has definitely squashed 2009's drama and mess. That is definitely great.

I started a new internship in January working with MR/DD individuals in one of the counties here in Ohio. It was surprisingly more rewarding than I anticipated. I found myself really enjoying my work and anticipating returning each week.

My first year of grad school definitely left some permanent marks. I survived though...with my sense of humor still intact! Thankfully I had an awesome support team. My family was amazingly supportive and my friends were quick to respond with humor and hugs, both of which are very important in life.

My final week of internship I was offered a full time job in a different department for the company I was interning at. Dream come true! I didn't even realize how bad I wanted a job there until it was offered.

Now I am a Mental Health Case Manager for DD individuals. No two days are alike and I have yet to have a "boring" day. I love that my job changes every single day and I never know what the day will bring until I start it. Today for example was full of different clients that I don't even normally see on Mondays.

So to bring you completely up to date with what is going on in my world.

I am currently:
- Starting my final year of Grad School in a week
- Employed full time
- Still a mom! :)
- Buying a house

I'm sure this will be a whirlwind of fun and laughs, stay tuned if you dare :)

Inspirational Song

This song is great and has been providing me with inspiration lately :)

What Faith Can Do – Kutless

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think its more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You do have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can!

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

So many changes

You'd think someone like me would be more open to changes since I seem to encounter them every time I turn around, but I still resist and wish they didn't have to happen.

Unfortunately, in order for life to improve, change must come. Some of the changes I'm seeing are good, and some are bad.

I find myself a lot more tolerant of people's faults and issues, but a lot less tolerant of my own. I get frustrated more often when I see myself making the same mistakes over and over again.

Professionally, I find myself motivated and inspired. Not that I'm not usually, but I am more inspired now than I've ever been. Filled with hope and excitement. It is nice, I hope that never goes away. It is funny because normally even the slightest setback has me thinking I should throw in the towel and be done with it, but now I'm just more determined.

Educationally, I'm feeling at peace with my grad school decision (remind me of this in about three weeks ;) ) last semester I doubted whether I was cut out for this and whether I had chosen the right school but now I know that I made the right choice. I'm learning things I know aren't on the syllabus but are important for me to learn. Like areas that I need to work on, and stuff I need to get done with myself before I can be the best person for the job. I think I'm taking it okay :)

Personally, well...I'm crankier than I want to be for sure. I wish I could find the time I need to destress more so I'm not so cranky all the time. Not that I'm cranky ALL the time, but I'm cranky more often. Small stresses that are not planned for cause me to get grumpy. Other than that, family is doing good, boyfriend is beyond supportive, I don't know how I got so lucky with that. Audrial is fantastic and doing well in school.

Everything is good, I just hate change. I hate that we have to move...again....when we were just getting used to the new place...grr.

Here's to a great 2010!!!!

Ridiculousness

Whether that is a word or not, by golly, I declare it to be one!

As I age (like a fine wine I might add) I am noticing more and more how much complete and total ridiculousness people expect you to swallow each day. Really? Really…you want me to swallow that…

Whatever happened to making the rules when we are adults? Why do we allow people to treat us like total crap? When did standing up for what is right become WRONG? When and why did being a good woman mean keeping your mouth shut?

I’m so tired …..so so tired. This is not the legacy I want to leave, this is not the life I want for my daughter. This is NOT possibly the way it is supposed to be…it just can’t be.

Life should be honesty, reality, friendship, caring, compassion, empathy, treating others like you want to be treated. That is what life should be. Not this…definitely not this.

I refuse….

I refuse to sit silent while entire populations of people are treated like second class citizens just because they don’t think the way you want them to, the way you think they should, or the way your Bible tells you they should. I refuse to sit silent while people are mistreated. I refuse to watch you treat your dogs better than you treat your fellow man (or woman). Refuse to sit silent.

I refuse….to sit…silent.

So….

I won’t. I’m not going to. You will not beat me down, You will not buy my silence, you will not hunt me down and make me miserable in hopes of beating me into submission. I am not your dog.

I have a brain because I am meant to have my own thoughts, I have feet because I am meant to walk my own walk, I have two hands because I am meant to do my own work and most importantly I have a voice because I am meant to tell you to sit down, shut up, and stop making a fool of yourself.

If nothing else…if nothing more….if ALL else fails…my daughter will look at me and know that despite what people wanted from me, I did not stand silent, I did not sit silent, and I certainly did not roll over and sell out my values and my beliefs just so you could feel comfortable.

Tired of playing the game. Tired of being looked down on and talked shit about just because I don’t play by your rules. How come you don’t play by my rules? Mine are easier.

1. Treat people how you want to be treated….this wasn’t taught to you in kindergarten?? I really thought people had this one down.
2. Love everyone…everyone has qualities that you can love, if you can’t see them, it is because you’re an asshole, go try looking at rule 1 again.
   
3. Be honest… this isn’t that hard, try it out. If you didn’t have an ethics class, I can forgive you for violating this one…if you didn’t learn it in school let me teach you right now….when you lie to someone, you injure them ethically. When you lie about someone, its worse. Don’t do it. Do you want people to lie to you or about you? No…okay see rule 1 again. It is okay, I promise, it really IS that easy.
4. Close your mouth when you eat…sorry had to stick this one in here just because they’re my rules :P

Have a good night, a good Thanksgiving, and most importantly, a good life. You will find, when you treat people with respect, and dignity, your entire life will be happier. You will be fulfilled, and happy. Try it! What’s the worst that can happen? You won’t like it? You’re no worse off than you were when you started because I can guaranteed you….you’re not happy right now.

Aaah Body Image

So I’m overweight. It’s not like I don’t look in the mirror and see it. My weight doesn’t hide itself like the mole on the back of my neck or the tattoo on my shoulder. It doesn’t get covered up with makeup like a zit on my chin. You can’t dye it a new color, cover it up with clothing, or avoid it at all.

I notice my weight when I’m laying down sleeping and I’m sitting at my desk and I’m walking and showering and getting dressed and driving in my car and anytime I catch a reflection of myself in the mirror. I am almost constantly conscious of it.

It doesn’t “bother” me though. I mean, sure, I’d rather be thin and beautiful, but I don’t think I’m not beautiful because I’m overweight. I think I’m overweight and attractive. I have a great smile, and my eyes are pretty, and my hair is healthy. I like the uniqueness of my nose, and the gap in my teeth that I used to hate. I think attached earlobes make me different, I have perfect toes, my skin is soft and creamy white. There are tons of things about me that are great.

What bothers me is that people treat me differently because I’m overweight. For example, there is this completely insane assumption that I do nothing but sit on my butt and stuff my face all day long. I probably eat a lot less than you think, and I know I eat a lot less than my friends who are far skinnier than I am. I also work very hard. I happen to work at jobs that have me seated more often than not, but that doesn’t mean I don’t and can’t move around. I work out.

The other assumption is that I’ve always been fat. Not true. I was in the military once and quite thin when I was. I was fit, I was thin, and I was happy.

Finally, the last assumption is that I’m miserable. Definitely not true. I think I lead a very full and fulfilling life. I am quite happy. I have a great boyfriend, a great daughter, great dogs, great family and friends. I work, go to school, enjoy music, love dancing, I’m very happy. Whenever I’m not happy, surprisingly, it has absolutely zero to do with my weight and usually has everything to do with my stress, or frustration, or sadness at whatever is going on. I can’t tell you the last time I looked in a mirror and was unhappy because I’m overweight. I don’t think it’s ever really happened.

So I would like to not so respectfully request that the people who think they should say something about my weight shut UP. I don’t want to hear it. Not only do I not care what your opinion is, it is extremely rude. I don’t walk up to you and say you should get Botox or that you should cut your hair or get a dye job. It’s funny, if I had a big wart on my nose would you be all “OMG why don’t you get rid of that wart?” Would you think I somehow caused it by sleeping on my face or something?

So shut up. I’m tired of your opinion. When I want your opinion on my weight, I’ll ask you. Until I say “Does this skin I have on make my butt look fat?” keep your opinion to yourself. It’s not wanted, needed, or nice.

What is Straight?

I had someone ask me recently if I was gay or straight and it got me to thinking. Who came up with the term “straight”? What does it even mean? Why are heterosexual people straight and homosexual people aren’t? What are they? Crooked?

 

 

Gratefulness

Nothing makes you more grateful for what you have than running into people without anything.

 

Good Grief

I find myself dealing with a bit of grief this year. 2009 seems to be a really rough year for me. I know I'm not the only one with a rough year, so please don't take this as me complaining or otherwise downplaying other losses and such, but there seems to be a lot piling on me this year.

The economy is in a slump, I am in a slump, stressed over moving, Dad is ill, money is tight, time is slipping away from me. Its rough.

However, as I look on this year, and struggle through it...can't believe its only half over...I think back on some of the grief and sometimes I little bit of grief is good. I certainly find myself looking forward to better days and looking back on better days and that's been pulling me through all of this mess. Better days. Without grief, would I even know that such days exist? I don't think its possible to TRULY appreciate what you have had or will have without truly experiencing times when you have nothing.

I've had some of the most amazing times this year. Some of the most amazing conversations. I've buried some things that needed burying and dug up some things that needed dug up. I've laughed through tears and cried with laughter. Music has touched my soul in ways not possible if I were not physically aching with grief.

The reality that I don't have much longer with some people that I love dearly, heart wrenching. Physically agonizing. Psychologically agonizing. Yet strangely, good. I'm reminded that each day I have with everyone I love, even days spent in anger, are days spent....days...spent....with someone I love. We should all be so lucky...we should all be so lucky.

Finding Comfort in Acceptance

Let me tell you, having a seriously ill family member brings out the best and the worst in people, and yourself. I know who my friends are and aren't. I know who my family is and isn't. There is an odd comfort found in accepting these things. The final realization that people you suspected were just really selfish actually are really selfish….its liberating. You no longer feel the need to bother with them and their details anymore. You find yourself able to focus on the people that do matter.

Anyway, right on the heels of this…its as if the music industry just knows when to release a new song to sum up my life….LeAnn Rimes releases a new track that really reflects how I feel this year.

So I'm quoting the lyrics here for ya'll to enjoy.

What I Cannot Change

LeAnn Rimes

I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to he

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Losing Time

sigh

 

I need to get home.

Lessons from the Gas

So I was on laughing gas Thursday to get my tooth pulled. It didn't make me laugh any more than I usually do, but that would be pretty hard to do anyway, since I spend a good portion of my time laughing.

 

What it did do was affect my ability to give a crap about what was going on around me. This was difficult for me, because I like to be in control of myself at all times. I hate crying in front of people, I don't like not knowing what I'm doing, and I despise not being able to control what people are doing to me.

 

So I'm on the gas, completely relaxed (which was nice for a change) and realized that I didn't care. I wasn't worried. They were pulling my teeth out and it didn't bother me one bit. There were some complications with one tooth and there was a bit of a panic over it, but I didn't care. The tooth ended up coming out, they got the spare bone (and took out some of my jaw in the meantime) and I was sent on my merry way with some pills, gauze, and a really nasty mouthwash.

 

One of the things I learned while on this gas was…..it didn't matter what my reaction was to the crisis, the crisis happened and resolved itself without me. So there was some panic over my tooth, but it didn't matter whether I was able to freak out about it or not. It didn't change the outcome.

 

Sometimes things settle out without your permisison, or control.

 

and it keeps gettin better!

Right….

 

mmm hmmm

 

 

Prioritize

I cannot be accused of having perfect priorities. I spend less time on my weight than I should, that's for certain. I spend less time on homework than I should as well.

 

So I feel like a bit of a hypocrite standing in judgment of someone else's priorities, but my word. There just comes a point in time when you want to shake someone really hard and slap them into reality.

 

Sigh…we don't know how long we have with the people we love. I would hate to have made the wrong decision and beat myself up over it. I did that once…when my grandpa was dying. I was supposed to arrive in June but my sister wasn't able to come up until July. I wanted to see her, so I delayed my trip to arrive when she did. My grandpa died the day after I was supposed to have arrived in Wisconsin. I never got to tell him that he was one of the best men I'd ever known. I will never forgive myself for being so selfish that I lost sight of what was important and let my desire to see my sister trump the fact that my grandpa was dying.

 

Even now, I'm stuck here in Ohio miserable. I'm just plain miserable trying to get through this quarter wishing I was in Wisconsin or at least wishing that I could know that I can drop everything and go if I need to. Given the opportunity to go, I'd be there instead of here. I'd like to see my dad every day. I'm terrified that he's worse than he claims to be and that our time with him is less than I hope.

 

I went home for Christmas not prepared to see a dad who was no longer the strongest man I know and left not prepared to see the strongest man I know die. This is agonizing.

 

People's selfish bullshit is killing me. Its making me want to kill them. I've had friends accuse me of being a shitty friend because I didn't chase them down and ask them why they weren't returning my calls. I've had family members creating drama out of this world.

 

On the other hand, I've had a daughter that loves me no matter what, even when I'm in agony. I've had a boyfriend who will always seem to know exactly when I'm about to give up and pulls me back up again. My sister is amazing, listening and supporting me even though she's got her own issues to deal with in all of this.

 

Life is short….

 

I leave you with a song I enjoy:

 

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

 

What defines Family?

It is funny to me, how you find out who your "true" family is when the stress hits the fan. Most members of my family are pretty predictable, could be my psych degree, but doubtful. You can predict who will fall apart who will pick up the pieces who doesn't cry until nobody is watching who cries because it makes them the center of attention…

 

I can tell you who will be there for me, who won't. Who will add to stress, who will run from it. I can't tell you where I fit in there, I'm one of the "don't cry don't cry" people. For some reason crying makes me feel really vulnerable. I'd almost rather someone piss me off so I don't have to feel like crying. Thank God I can always count on someone in my family to be the one pissing me off, lol.

 

Anyway, just spent some time with my family, I don't want to go into details because its not fair to them half of them don't know about this blog and cannot defend themselves. Suffice to say, you heard it here first.

 

There are members of my family that I am so disappointed in right now. They really had the chance to step up to the plate and they either are or were so wrapped up in their own bullshit they completely missed the mark. My respect for some of them will never be the same.

 

I'll wait and see how it plays out, but I just can't see them pulling themselves out of this…

 

Happy Happy Birthday Baby....

32 today. So many people think that I celebrate my birthday and I so rarely do. Secretly I want people to make it a huge deal and nobody ever does and that's all my fault because I order everyone not to.

27 years ago. Amazing....27 years and it hurts like it was yesterday. My chest still gets tight and I still cry and I was only 5 and the memories should be gone by now and they should have been replaced by now. My birthday should mean something cool and not the most awful thing to ever happen to me.

Somewhere in an album somewhere there is a photo of me on my 5th birthday, only I'm pretty sure the day is wrong because my mother couldn't remember what date I was born on. Guess it just didn't fucking matter enough to her. My aunt thought my birthday was the 3rd and my mother insisted it was the 5th so my aunt had two birthdays for me because she didn't want to get it wrong. So the picture of me on my 5th birthday is on November 5 and my birthday is today...yet amazingly it is one of the earliest pictures of me because my mother burned all the other ones. There are a few, my grandma had some…but the bulk of them, gone.

You'd think I'd just give a big heave ho to the bullshit finally, almost 30 years and still hanging on.

Happy Birthday. I'd secretly like a ticker tape parade just for me and secretly I think I don't ask for one because the people I want the most to show up wouldn't. Its why I don't have weddings and why I won't go to my graduation next quarter. It just hurts less when you don't ask because then they didn't come because there wasn't anything to come to....not because they don't fucking care.

Yep, my birthday turns into a pity party…poor me. Sometimes I should just shut up.

 

Senior Year

So yesterday launched my official senior year. I have a full schedule this quarter, no classes winter quarter, and a full schedule spring quarter, then onto graduation in the Summer.

 

I haven't made up my mind about graduate school yet. I will be applying to various grad schools of course, I don't want to change my mind and decide to go and have no options. Then we'll take it from there. Grad school is amazingly competitive so its not uncommon to not be accepted. I don't want to hype myself up for it and then be disappointed.

 

Anyway, this quarter I have Human Sexuality, American Literature, and Digital Photography. Don't laugh, the photography class is actually required..who knew.

 

My progression through school has been interesting. At first I was scared I wouldn't make it into school, then I was scared I would fail out, then it seemed like I'd never be done, and now I'm wistful because there are still classes I wanted to take. I am very excited to be nearing the end though. It has re-energized me because the end is near!

 

 

 

Who are you?

It occurs to me that despite posting relatively private things about myself online, people actually know very little about me.

 

I don't really know if many people that actually do know me know much about me. I don't really confide in very many people at all these days. There are surface things I'll tell, I went to the hospital yadda yadda, studying for finals blah blah blah. Hopes and dreams, not so much. What makes me hurt inside, definitely not. Disappointments and fears, barely even my sister hears about these things.

 

I know why, its part of those layers of protection. People can't hurt you if they don't know what hurts. They can't get under your skin when there's nothing they can throw at you. I think the other part of it is that it makes it too real. Voicing a disappointment or fear makes it a reality, you own it. If you don't speak it out loud, it doesn't have to be there.

 

Mostly I just know what it feels like to have something deep and dark come back to haunt you. I've felt the raw pain that comes from a knife lodged between the shoulders.

 

So I apologize to those of you who read this and know who I am, but don't know WHO I am. A reader recently contacted me to say that they enjoyed my blog but they wanted more of me in it…I'm sorry to you, reader. I just can't give that right now.

 

Changing plans

For the most part, when I make plans, I keep them. Lately though, I've found that I'm much more flexible when it comes to plans. Especially life plans. I used to plan out my 5yr, 10yr, etc plan and I'd pretty much feel like a failure if I didn't follow it.

 

I think as I age I realize that I don't have to follow my plans to the letter in order to be a success. I'm working my butt off to get through school and thinking I may not do grad school right away, because things are going pretty good for me professionally right now. There really isn't much need for me to go to grad school. I get to where I think its pretty selfish of me to go to grad school when I could be focusing on my career and doing much more…then I think of course I could do more with a grad degree and grad school is much easier than undergrad…as far as time commitment goes.

 

So I'm thinking on these things. I'll still be applying to all of the grad schools I've picked out and still hoping to get accepted, but if I don't, maybe that's God's way of saying that I shouldn't go..at least not right away.

 

Regardless, I feel like a lot of pressure is off. I don't have to stress over getting in or not getting in. If I do, I do and I'll gladly go. If I don't, I don't and that's okay too.

 

9/11

So today is 9/11 again. Its odd how 9/11 comes and I just know its that day again. I don't have a reminder or anything set, I just know.

 

Of course, I remember where I was and what I was doing when 9/11 happened, I'm no different from anyone else. However, the thing I remember the most is how 9/11 galvanized me. It made me sure of what I wanted, and not afraid to go get it. It made me realize that things don't just go on forever, people's lives get interrupted and there is no control over it.

 

We can't control what happens to us, we couldn't control what happened to all of those innocent lives and precious people that were lost.

 

We can only learn and grow and change ourselves for the better in the process of learning that life is precious and fleet and ultimately, there is no control.

 

It seems like yesterday, and years ago when I think about 9/11. Just the sheer terror and confusion that I felt being the mother of a 2 year old and having to look at her and fear for her future. It was mind-blowing and earth moving. It was horrible.

 

I hope as we move into the future and on with our lives that we will take a moment and grow and learn from this. Not learn that we should strike out in anger and hatred, but learn that we should embrace our neighbors, love our enemies, and be the change we want to see in the world.