Losing Time

sigh

 

I need to get home.

Lessons from the Gas

So I was on laughing gas Thursday to get my tooth pulled. It didn't make me laugh any more than I usually do, but that would be pretty hard to do anyway, since I spend a good portion of my time laughing.

 

What it did do was affect my ability to give a crap about what was going on around me. This was difficult for me, because I like to be in control of myself at all times. I hate crying in front of people, I don't like not knowing what I'm doing, and I despise not being able to control what people are doing to me.

 

So I'm on the gas, completely relaxed (which was nice for a change) and realized that I didn't care. I wasn't worried. They were pulling my teeth out and it didn't bother me one bit. There were some complications with one tooth and there was a bit of a panic over it, but I didn't care. The tooth ended up coming out, they got the spare bone (and took out some of my jaw in the meantime) and I was sent on my merry way with some pills, gauze, and a really nasty mouthwash.

 

One of the things I learned while on this gas was…..it didn't matter what my reaction was to the crisis, the crisis happened and resolved itself without me. So there was some panic over my tooth, but it didn't matter whether I was able to freak out about it or not. It didn't change the outcome.

 

Sometimes things settle out without your permisison, or control.

 

and it keeps gettin better!

Right….

 

mmm hmmm

 

 

Prioritize

I cannot be accused of having perfect priorities. I spend less time on my weight than I should, that's for certain. I spend less time on homework than I should as well.

 

So I feel like a bit of a hypocrite standing in judgment of someone else's priorities, but my word. There just comes a point in time when you want to shake someone really hard and slap them into reality.

 

Sigh…we don't know how long we have with the people we love. I would hate to have made the wrong decision and beat myself up over it. I did that once…when my grandpa was dying. I was supposed to arrive in June but my sister wasn't able to come up until July. I wanted to see her, so I delayed my trip to arrive when she did. My grandpa died the day after I was supposed to have arrived in Wisconsin. I never got to tell him that he was one of the best men I'd ever known. I will never forgive myself for being so selfish that I lost sight of what was important and let my desire to see my sister trump the fact that my grandpa was dying.

 

Even now, I'm stuck here in Ohio miserable. I'm just plain miserable trying to get through this quarter wishing I was in Wisconsin or at least wishing that I could know that I can drop everything and go if I need to. Given the opportunity to go, I'd be there instead of here. I'd like to see my dad every day. I'm terrified that he's worse than he claims to be and that our time with him is less than I hope.

 

I went home for Christmas not prepared to see a dad who was no longer the strongest man I know and left not prepared to see the strongest man I know die. This is agonizing.

 

People's selfish bullshit is killing me. Its making me want to kill them. I've had friends accuse me of being a shitty friend because I didn't chase them down and ask them why they weren't returning my calls. I've had family members creating drama out of this world.

 

On the other hand, I've had a daughter that loves me no matter what, even when I'm in agony. I've had a boyfriend who will always seem to know exactly when I'm about to give up and pulls me back up again. My sister is amazing, listening and supporting me even though she's got her own issues to deal with in all of this.

 

Life is short….

 

I leave you with a song I enjoy:

 

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

 

What defines Family?

It is funny to me, how you find out who your "true" family is when the stress hits the fan. Most members of my family are pretty predictable, could be my psych degree, but doubtful. You can predict who will fall apart who will pick up the pieces who doesn't cry until nobody is watching who cries because it makes them the center of attention…

 

I can tell you who will be there for me, who won't. Who will add to stress, who will run from it. I can't tell you where I fit in there, I'm one of the "don't cry don't cry" people. For some reason crying makes me feel really vulnerable. I'd almost rather someone piss me off so I don't have to feel like crying. Thank God I can always count on someone in my family to be the one pissing me off, lol.

 

Anyway, just spent some time with my family, I don't want to go into details because its not fair to them half of them don't know about this blog and cannot defend themselves. Suffice to say, you heard it here first.

 

There are members of my family that I am so disappointed in right now. They really had the chance to step up to the plate and they either are or were so wrapped up in their own bullshit they completely missed the mark. My respect for some of them will never be the same.

 

I'll wait and see how it plays out, but I just can't see them pulling themselves out of this…

 

Happy Happy Birthday Baby....

32 today. So many people think that I celebrate my birthday and I so rarely do. Secretly I want people to make it a huge deal and nobody ever does and that's all my fault because I order everyone not to.

27 years ago. Amazing....27 years and it hurts like it was yesterday. My chest still gets tight and I still cry and I was only 5 and the memories should be gone by now and they should have been replaced by now. My birthday should mean something cool and not the most awful thing to ever happen to me.

Somewhere in an album somewhere there is a photo of me on my 5th birthday, only I'm pretty sure the day is wrong because my mother couldn't remember what date I was born on. Guess it just didn't fucking matter enough to her. My aunt thought my birthday was the 3rd and my mother insisted it was the 5th so my aunt had two birthdays for me because she didn't want to get it wrong. So the picture of me on my 5th birthday is on November 5 and my birthday is today...yet amazingly it is one of the earliest pictures of me because my mother burned all the other ones. There are a few, my grandma had some…but the bulk of them, gone.

You'd think I'd just give a big heave ho to the bullshit finally, almost 30 years and still hanging on.

Happy Birthday. I'd secretly like a ticker tape parade just for me and secretly I think I don't ask for one because the people I want the most to show up wouldn't. Its why I don't have weddings and why I won't go to my graduation next quarter. It just hurts less when you don't ask because then they didn't come because there wasn't anything to come to....not because they don't fucking care.

Yep, my birthday turns into a pity party…poor me. Sometimes I should just shut up.

 

Senior Year

So yesterday launched my official senior year. I have a full schedule this quarter, no classes winter quarter, and a full schedule spring quarter, then onto graduation in the Summer.

 

I haven't made up my mind about graduate school yet. I will be applying to various grad schools of course, I don't want to change my mind and decide to go and have no options. Then we'll take it from there. Grad school is amazingly competitive so its not uncommon to not be accepted. I don't want to hype myself up for it and then be disappointed.

 

Anyway, this quarter I have Human Sexuality, American Literature, and Digital Photography. Don't laugh, the photography class is actually required..who knew.

 

My progression through school has been interesting. At first I was scared I wouldn't make it into school, then I was scared I would fail out, then it seemed like I'd never be done, and now I'm wistful because there are still classes I wanted to take. I am very excited to be nearing the end though. It has re-energized me because the end is near!

 

 

 

Who are you?

It occurs to me that despite posting relatively private things about myself online, people actually know very little about me.

 

I don't really know if many people that actually do know me know much about me. I don't really confide in very many people at all these days. There are surface things I'll tell, I went to the hospital yadda yadda, studying for finals blah blah blah. Hopes and dreams, not so much. What makes me hurt inside, definitely not. Disappointments and fears, barely even my sister hears about these things.

 

I know why, its part of those layers of protection. People can't hurt you if they don't know what hurts. They can't get under your skin when there's nothing they can throw at you. I think the other part of it is that it makes it too real. Voicing a disappointment or fear makes it a reality, you own it. If you don't speak it out loud, it doesn't have to be there.

 

Mostly I just know what it feels like to have something deep and dark come back to haunt you. I've felt the raw pain that comes from a knife lodged between the shoulders.

 

So I apologize to those of you who read this and know who I am, but don't know WHO I am. A reader recently contacted me to say that they enjoyed my blog but they wanted more of me in it…I'm sorry to you, reader. I just can't give that right now.

 

Changing plans

For the most part, when I make plans, I keep them. Lately though, I've found that I'm much more flexible when it comes to plans. Especially life plans. I used to plan out my 5yr, 10yr, etc plan and I'd pretty much feel like a failure if I didn't follow it.

 

I think as I age I realize that I don't have to follow my plans to the letter in order to be a success. I'm working my butt off to get through school and thinking I may not do grad school right away, because things are going pretty good for me professionally right now. There really isn't much need for me to go to grad school. I get to where I think its pretty selfish of me to go to grad school when I could be focusing on my career and doing much more…then I think of course I could do more with a grad degree and grad school is much easier than undergrad…as far as time commitment goes.

 

So I'm thinking on these things. I'll still be applying to all of the grad schools I've picked out and still hoping to get accepted, but if I don't, maybe that's God's way of saying that I shouldn't go..at least not right away.

 

Regardless, I feel like a lot of pressure is off. I don't have to stress over getting in or not getting in. If I do, I do and I'll gladly go. If I don't, I don't and that's okay too.

 

9/11

So today is 9/11 again. Its odd how 9/11 comes and I just know its that day again. I don't have a reminder or anything set, I just know.

 

Of course, I remember where I was and what I was doing when 9/11 happened, I'm no different from anyone else. However, the thing I remember the most is how 9/11 galvanized me. It made me sure of what I wanted, and not afraid to go get it. It made me realize that things don't just go on forever, people's lives get interrupted and there is no control over it.

 

We can't control what happens to us, we couldn't control what happened to all of those innocent lives and precious people that were lost.

 

We can only learn and grow and change ourselves for the better in the process of learning that life is precious and fleet and ultimately, there is no control.

 

It seems like yesterday, and years ago when I think about 9/11. Just the sheer terror and confusion that I felt being the mother of a 2 year old and having to look at her and fear for her future. It was mind-blowing and earth moving. It was horrible.

 

I hope as we move into the future and on with our lives that we will take a moment and grow and learn from this. Not learn that we should strike out in anger and hatred, but learn that we should embrace our neighbors, love our enemies, and be the change we want to see in the world.

 

Friendship, Family, and other Fun things

I think in all of my life, I've "dumped" maybe three friends. Three people that I initiated the "dumping" and wanted nothing to do with. I'm sure I've lost more friends than that, but I haven't deliberately ended the relationship. Generally speaking, I don't like to "give up" on people. It is not really my nature to do that. I like to give people chances to change, or grow, or apologize, whatever the case may be.

 

I get quite a bit of flak for it. I get told I'm a sucker, or a glutton for punishment, etc. It really doesn't bother me, but I really hate having to defend my choices all the time. I'm not someone who tells people they shouldn't be friends with someone constantly, I don't expect to be told all the time that I shouldn't be friends with someone either.

 

On the flip side…people give up on me a lot. If I do something slightly wrong, even if I apologize, I'm out. Its like freakin survivor or something. These people can offend me left and right, wrong me left and right, and I will forgive them. If I step out of line though…bye bye.

 

Its frustrating. Family members do it, friends do it. It pisses me off.

 

My sister was recently approached about letting a family member live with her. My boyfriend said "Now instead of being the sister who took (person) in, she will be known as the sister who tossed (person) to the curb" when she finally gets tired of this person and makes them leave.

 

That is exactly what happens to me. I’m not friend who listened, friend who cared, I'm friend who didn't answer the phone once…or friend who (whatever I may have done to offend someone)…

 

It blows. It makes me want to stop putting time into people…but then I become someone who gave up.

 

On Getting Stuff Done

I have a terrible habit of being both extremely busy and mindful of work and being incredibly NOT mindful of work all at the same time!

 

Its gotten to the point that its starting to seriously affect me. I'm so disorganized and scattered. I'll work on one project for half an hour or so and then get sidelayed by another project…sigh.

 

I really need to buckle down and get this stuff done!

 

So today I've started with my desk…so far I have it about 1/3 done. Once I'm done organizing that, I'll have my taxes ready to go, and my files will be clean. Then I can focus on the computer related projects I need to get done.

 

If you don't hear from me for a couple of days, call 9-1-1 ;)

 

Festival

No, I haven't forgotten to update you guys on what my trip to The Michigan Womyn's Music Festival was like, I just needed some time and space to put it all together into a blog post.

For those of you who read or stumble upon my blog and aren't familiar with me, or don't know, I went to Michigan to camp in the woods with some friends of mine. This was pretty big for me, because on a whole, I don't do to well without the modern trappings of life. Air conditioning, warm showers, brushed teeth…all things I highly value in life :). Fest would be life without some of those things, although they do have running water, so lets be thankful for what we do have shall we…

The Michigan Womyn's Music Festival (lovingly referred to as Michfest by attendees) is a festival over 30 years old that occurs each August outside of Hart, Michigan. I heard about it through a couple of friends of mine that play World of Warcraft with me. As soon as they mentioned it, I was so on board. It is a festival that only women who were born women and are living as women can attend. Okay that part scared me to be honest, I'm not famous for getting along with women…but yeah, I was like okay I can chill with the women for a week should be fun, opportunity to meet some really cool people, I was on board.

So I bought my ticket, squealed like a little girl when it came in the mail, launched into hours of planning and shopping and off I went!

The festival is a week long, in northern Michigan. This meant it could be hot, it could snow….so I packed accordingly. I was not prepared to get completely drenched and covered in rain from the time I hit "The Land" until I got my tent pitched. It was AWFUL. I was certain I had made a serious error of judgement and in 6hrs I would be home, warm, in front of my computer and back to reality…but I wanted to meet my friends so I stuck it out.

There isn't anything I can put here that would describe for you the wonder of Michfest. If you are female, and especially if you are a Lesbian, you should be required to attend at least one fest. You know how you have to do your Haj if you're muslim? You should have to do fest if you're a lesbian. There should be a special title like you get when you do your Haj. Everyone should have to make the pilgrimage at least once in their lifetime.

Never in my life have I felt so safe and secure. I could walk in the woods in the dark without fear of anything other than a crazy raccoon. There were no axe murderers waiting for some innocent woman to hit their woods. There were no men waiting to kidnap and rape me. There was laughter, and singing, and drumming, and talking, and whispering, and moaning, and SNORING. It was wonderful. The music of the woods mingling with the music of the women. Their voices carried on the backs of crickets and birds and winds and breezes. Light rain, and thunderstorms. Cold air, and meteor showers combined at firepits filled with women sharing.

Women sharing….everything. Sharing tents, and showers, and blankets, chairs, smokes, soap, food, laughter, tears, songs, hugs, soft touches, warm smiles, shrill laughter, soft chuckles, quiet moans…girls running free laughing and playing with new friends made and trusting adults they had never met to get them to their mothers.

There were amazing stories that made me pee myself laughing and amazing stories that made my eyes well up with tears. I remember the opening ceremony, sitting in a chair listening to one of the performers sing Bob Marley with tears streaming down my face. Staring up at the sky filled with stars and feeling eternally small and entirely huge at the same time. Sitting at the firepit listening to the women around me chatter and laugh just soaking it all in. Not wanting to miss a single moment of a single day.

It is virtually impossible for me to explain to you with any kind of accuracy or sufficiency what Fest is. I could tell you stories, believe me, there are stories…but they don't tell you what Fest is. I could show you pictures, beautiful pictures, but they won't show you what Fest is. If you've never been, you'll never know. Everyone's Fest is different, I was there with two friends and their Fest was insanely different from mine. There were thousands of women there and not a single woman had the same Fest as the next. Sure, we heard the same songs, saw the same performers, went to the same workshops, but we didn't have the same Fest.

Even my words here, in this space I call home don't do Fest justice. It all seems so superficial and cliché and inadequate all at the same time. Its like trying to describe what God looks like….you just can't. I am sure that this is why it has taken me so long to write, and positive that this is why the womyn simply call the Land the Land and call Michfest home.

Go..if you're a woman, Go. Grab your sisters, and your friends, and your daughters, and Go.

I'm sure I'll see you there :)

Come Home

A song was recently sent to me by an old boyfriend:

Come Home - One Republic

[Verse 1]
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in their own place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oooh

[Verse 2]
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oooh

[Interlude]
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

*****************************************************

What happens though, when "Home" isn't the same to you as it is to someone else? What if your "Home" is where the water is? Where the love is? Where you can feel and breathe and be who you want to be who you are meant to be, who you need to be. Without apology, without fear, just you.

I need a place to call home. A soft place to land, a shoulder to lean on, a neck to cry into. I need all of these things. I need to feel soft sand give way to cool waters, suns and moons rising reflected on ripples moved by gentle winds. I need a space, all my own, where my music plays, and my interests are all that are important.

I cry so often lately, sometimes I think I'm cracking, but I think I'm finally allowing myself to feel. I'm letting myself feel the pain, allow the tears to wash over me and wash away the pain. I know there is nothing bad in tears and tears can heal. They aren't weak, I'm not a sissy. I'm just someone feeling what I feel and its okay.

I still don't let anyone see me cry though ;) I'm not going THAT far yet :)

So here's to Home, may you find it. May you have it, and if you do, please share what that looks like to you. To me it’s a place where my heart lives…unabashed, unafraid, unbreakable, unbelievably real.

I haven't found it yet, still looking :)

I think I can I think I can

One week left. I feel like the little train that could...chugging up the hill hoping to make it to the top in time to see the sun set.

I am in my final week and finals on monday and then I am done for this term.

I feel like I am still waiting for my summer to start. I want to get the house done and some paperwork done and then I have my weeklong camping trip to festival...weee...just have to make it through this week...

I think I can.

One of those days

I am having one of those days...you know what I am talking about.

It started when I decided that I would go ahead and go to school a little late to enjoy my morning shower a little longer. Then I couldn't find a top to wear...then Audrial called and there was no way I wasn't taking the call.

By the time I made it out to the car I had 7 minutes to get 20 minutes down the road. I get around to the driver's side...flat tire....

Get to school 23 minutes late climb out of the car..gush..yes that would be me bleeding through my shorts...its not even 8:30 yet!!

Sigh....trying to keep high spirits and tell myself that nobody looks at my ass close enough to see the tiny blood spot...

Yes it is definitely one of those days.

Live Green

You know how the whole world has become suddenly environmentally conscious and we're all focused on putting back what we take?

How about doing that with people?

How about we stop taking more from people than we're willing to give? That'd be a great start. It would be fantastic if people would stop and say "If I was them, would this be fair?"

I think that you shouldn't expect more out of people than you're willing to do for or give to them. For instance, I will never eat onions for anyone, I would never expect someone to eat something for me. I don't expect people not to eat anything for me either, but I would do that for them. For instance if someone in my life was allergic to peanuts, I would cut peanuts out of my diet for them.

Anyway, so many people take everything they can from other people around them. Attention, time, love, caring, etc. They never put that back.

I think if you want to live "green" you should start first by being "green" with the people you love. Treat them like you want to be treated by them. Give them more than you take. Don't take too much and leave them a barren wasteland incapable of caring about other people because you've exhausted their resources.


Just a thought!

Generosity

I am generally an extremely generous person. I think it gets me in trouble a lot because I tend to get used...A LOT.

A friend of mine recently implied that I'm generous in an attempt to "buy friends" but I don't think so. There are plenty of people that I am friendly with and later become generous with, but its not like I start out being generous.

My family likes me whether I'm generous or not. My sister answers the phone whether I'm rich or poor....

There are definitely people who use my generosity and there are tons of people who only call when they need a buck, but those people are easily avoided...usually.

Regardless, I don't feel that I use my generosity to buy friends. I also think that being upset because someone abuses your generosity doesn't mean you're upset that they weren't able to be bought. I think its perfectly fine to say "Hey I have been more than generous with you, you'd think you could be a better friend to me".

For instance, I am both generous with my money and my time. I had a friend that I was extremely generous with both time and money and when I needed her the most, she bailed so fast it made my head spin. Being upset that someone you have treated well treats you poorly in return is not being upset that they couldn't be bought, its being upset that they are mistreating you when you've been nothing but kind and generous to them.

....

Anyway, I see some of the same traits developing in Audrial and it worries me. I don't want her to experience the pain I feel when someone I've been so kind to mistreats me. I also don't want her to miss out on the feeling that being generous gives. sigh...

Some Tunes

Thought I might share some random tunes with all ya'll people who actually read my blog lol. Both of these tunes are by Garrison Starr - http://www.garrisonstarr.com/

The Girl That Killed September

if I needed you tonight
to tell me it’s alright
would you call

I want to tell you I’m afraid
to see myself this way
about to fall in

and I’m needing you to know this
I’m just too unfocused when you don’t come around
I’m afraid of all my weakness
you know where I keep it
and you bring me back around

if I needed you tonight
to come and hold me tight
would you please

I want to tell you I’m afraid
of how much I crave the taste
of you next to me


and


Goldrush Heart

on the day her daddy said
“girl I wanna be like you”
all she answered back was “yeah, I know you do”
shit like that would break a normal girl in half
she just pushed her hair back and she laughed

and there she was
and there she was again

a girl so soft, so sad, so true
you never thought she could be into you
but here you are
and there she is
and the night gets lost in a lonesome kiss

and there she was
and there she was again

I never wanted to feel that kind of love again
the kind that boils inside your mind
the kind that burns right through your skin
I never wanted to feel that kind of love again
but lord knows….
I’m way too good at giving in

Happy to see you fail

Someone I know recently failed a couple of classes so they weren't able to graduate when they claimed they were going to. Normally I would feel very bad, but in my opinion this person got exactly what they deserve. They have been condescending and downright judgmental to a lot of people. Not me personally, but yeah...a lot of people I know.

So today someone was talking to me in my psychology class about it and I got to thinking. Am I wrong to be glad that they failed? Because I am, very happy. I think its great to see this person taken down a couple of pegs so they can see and realize what it feels like to have everyone laugh at them while they struggle and flounder. You know, since they got so much enjoyment out of it in the past.

Anyway. I don't feel bad, in fact I'm happy. Happy to see you fail!