27 September 2013

Tell your story

I'm not sure when we learn that telling our story is not allowed...somewhere in between Kindergarten where show and tell is encouraged and graduation where we have learned that only funny or interesting things should be shared but somewhere in the middle of that we learn to hide our pain or suffering and put on a brave face.

I am sure we have all been told at one time or another to put on our big girl panties and suck it up...but that doesn't mean you can't share your experience.

Sharing your story accomplishes several things:

1. It is cathartic. Telling your story allows you to get it out of your system. It is a purge of what hurts and allows you to reframe it, process it, and move on.

2. It reminds you of where you've been. It is helpful to look at what has shaped you. It helps you figure out what is hanging you up and what is adding to your life.

3. It can inspire others. There may be someone going through what you've just been through and your story may give them hope. You may help them feel less alone in their pain. Maybe you are the only one who went through something but in the future someone else may hear your story and it may help them add perspective to their own or make it through when they encounter the same issue.

Either way, telling your story has value...so don't be afraid to tell it.

13 September 2013


I think forgiveness and love walk hand in hand. You can forgive people you don't love, but you cannot love people you don't forgive. I know you're saying "Oh Forgiveness, enough woman...shut up about forgiveness already!!!"

Hear me out now...

There are things out there that are truly unforgivable...and really truly, you are the only person who can determine what those things are. For some people, the "unforgivable" list is longer than others.

For me, personally, there isn't much I will not forgive. Bump into me, say you're sorry..forgiven. Act like an ass, say you're sorry...forgiven. Eat the last Snickers with almonds... ;)

That being said, I struggle with forgiveness the same as everyone else. Some people in my life have recently pointed out that I am "quick to forgive". I don't know that I am so much quick to forgive as I am anxious to settle issues. I absolutely despise going to bed with issues still brewing out there. They spin around in my head and taunt me with things I shouldn't have said/done and things I should have said/done.

Forgiveness to me is more than being told in Sunday School that we must forgive although that certainly plays a role in my eagerness to forgive.

My true desire to be forgiving stems from my experiences of not being forgiven. I've felt the sting of having an apology laughed at or thrown in my face or ruled to be "insincere". I've anguished over angry words or thrown pepper or various other "unforgivable" things I've done in my past. There was one particular argument I had with my sister that haunted me for years. For years I would lay down at night and replay every word spoken and wish I could take back hurtful things I had said and done to her.

So having walked a "mile" in those shoes, I'd much rather be forgiving than think that my unwillingness to forgive is haunting someone...although it would be nice to think that some jerks out there are laying in bed right now wishing they could take back something they said to me...

The amazing thing to me about forgiveness is when you truly forgive someone, it makes you feel better..like a weight is lifted and you don't have to think about that anymore, it is done and over with.

So along with my desire that everyone out in the world be gentle to each other I would like to request that everyone be forgiving...whatever that looks like for you.

Be Gentle.
Be Forgiving.


04 September 2013

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are...e.e. cummings

The road to who I am has not been easy. I would even go so far out on a limb to say my road has been very difficult. I did not have very many caring people in my life growing up and I certainly did not have anyone open minded enough to encourage me to be myself.

Despite all of this, the biggest step of courage I took was admitting to myself that I was not who I imagined I would be when I was growing up, and move into a place of acceptance that who I actually was is better than I could have imagined anyway. That form of acceptance to me, was the most difficult. Far more difficult than others acceptance of me. I suppose, not knowing what I wanted out of myself, others find it easier to see me for who I am, not who I wanted to be and failed to become.

All of that aside, I recently "came out" to my mom. It did not go well. It saddens and surprises me, really. She had to have seen it coming, but regardless, one would hope that the love one has for their child outweighs any "wrongdoings" they may do. That wasn't the case.

The hardest part of this isn't that my mom doesn't "approve" of my "choices". I expected that. It is the feeling that I wasted so much time. That I could have been happier sooner had I just bit the bullet and been myself a long time ago. If I had known it would cost me my relationship with my mom anyway, I wouldn't have put all of the effort, time, and tears into trying so desperately to living up to a standard I cannot live up to.

I am sad. That my mom doesn't get me and will never get me. That she misses out on meeting my girlfriend because she doesn't like that I have one. Mostly I'm heartbroken that she will never understand how desperately I just want to love her and be loved by her. How I don't want her to change, I just want her to stop being so cruel.

Whether that happens or not remains to be seen, but regardless, I am living my life for me now, not someone else and for the first time in my life, I am free.