25 September 2008

Senior Year

So yesterday launched my official senior year. I have a full schedule this quarter, no classes winter quarter, and a full schedule spring quarter, then onto graduation in the Summer.

 

I haven't made up my mind about graduate school yet. I will be applying to various grad schools of course, I don't want to change my mind and decide to go and have no options. Then we'll take it from there. Grad school is amazingly competitive so its not uncommon to not be accepted. I don't want to hype myself up for it and then be disappointed.

 

Anyway, this quarter I have Human Sexuality, American Literature, and Digital Photography. Don't laugh, the photography class is actually required..who knew.

 

My progression through school has been interesting. At first I was scared I wouldn't make it into school, then I was scared I would fail out, then it seemed like I'd never be done, and now I'm wistful because there are still classes I wanted to take. I am very excited to be nearing the end though. It has re-energized me because the end is near!

 

 

 

16 September 2008

Who are you?

It occurs to me that despite posting relatively private things about myself online, people actually know very little about me.

 

I don't really know if many people that actually do know me know much about me. I don't really confide in very many people at all these days. There are surface things I'll tell, I went to the hospital yadda yadda, studying for finals blah blah blah. Hopes and dreams, not so much. What makes me hurt inside, definitely not. Disappointments and fears, barely even my sister hears about these things.

 

I know why, its part of those layers of protection. People can't hurt you if they don't know what hurts. They can't get under your skin when there's nothing they can throw at you. I think the other part of it is that it makes it too real. Voicing a disappointment or fear makes it a reality, you own it. If you don't speak it out loud, it doesn't have to be there.

 

Mostly I just know what it feels like to have something deep and dark come back to haunt you. I've felt the raw pain that comes from a knife lodged between the shoulders.

 

So I apologize to those of you who read this and know who I am, but don't know WHO I am. A reader recently contacted me to say that they enjoyed my blog but they wanted more of me in it…I'm sorry to you, reader. I just can't give that right now.

 

14 September 2008

Changing plans

For the most part, when I make plans, I keep them. Lately though, I've found that I'm much more flexible when it comes to plans. Especially life plans. I used to plan out my 5yr, 10yr, etc plan and I'd pretty much feel like a failure if I didn't follow it.

 

I think as I age I realize that I don't have to follow my plans to the letter in order to be a success. I'm working my butt off to get through school and thinking I may not do grad school right away, because things are going pretty good for me professionally right now. There really isn't much need for me to go to grad school. I get to where I think its pretty selfish of me to go to grad school when I could be focusing on my career and doing much more…then I think of course I could do more with a grad degree and grad school is much easier than undergrad…as far as time commitment goes.

 

So I'm thinking on these things. I'll still be applying to all of the grad schools I've picked out and still hoping to get accepted, but if I don't, maybe that's God's way of saying that I shouldn't go..at least not right away.

 

Regardless, I feel like a lot of pressure is off. I don't have to stress over getting in or not getting in. If I do, I do and I'll gladly go. If I don't, I don't and that's okay too.

 

11 September 2008

9/11

So today is 9/11 again. Its odd how 9/11 comes and I just know its that day again. I don't have a reminder or anything set, I just know.

 

Of course, I remember where I was and what I was doing when 9/11 happened, I'm no different from anyone else. However, the thing I remember the most is how 9/11 galvanized me. It made me sure of what I wanted, and not afraid to go get it. It made me realize that things don't just go on forever, people's lives get interrupted and there is no control over it.

 

We can't control what happens to us, we couldn't control what happened to all of those innocent lives and precious people that were lost.

 

We can only learn and grow and change ourselves for the better in the process of learning that life is precious and fleet and ultimately, there is no control.

 

It seems like yesterday, and years ago when I think about 9/11. Just the sheer terror and confusion that I felt being the mother of a 2 year old and having to look at her and fear for her future. It was mind-blowing and earth moving. It was horrible.

 

I hope as we move into the future and on with our lives that we will take a moment and grow and learn from this. Not learn that we should strike out in anger and hatred, but learn that we should embrace our neighbors, love our enemies, and be the change we want to see in the world.

 

04 September 2008

Friendship, Family, and other Fun things

I think in all of my life, I've "dumped" maybe three friends. Three people that I initiated the "dumping" and wanted nothing to do with. I'm sure I've lost more friends than that, but I haven't deliberately ended the relationship. Generally speaking, I don't like to "give up" on people. It is not really my nature to do that. I like to give people chances to change, or grow, or apologize, whatever the case may be.

 

I get quite a bit of flak for it. I get told I'm a sucker, or a glutton for punishment, etc. It really doesn't bother me, but I really hate having to defend my choices all the time. I'm not someone who tells people they shouldn't be friends with someone constantly, I don't expect to be told all the time that I shouldn't be friends with someone either.

 

On the flip side…people give up on me a lot. If I do something slightly wrong, even if I apologize, I'm out. Its like freakin survivor or something. These people can offend me left and right, wrong me left and right, and I will forgive them. If I step out of line though…bye bye.

 

Its frustrating. Family members do it, friends do it. It pisses me off.

 

My sister was recently approached about letting a family member live with her. My boyfriend said "Now instead of being the sister who took (person) in, she will be known as the sister who tossed (person) to the curb" when she finally gets tired of this person and makes them leave.

 

That is exactly what happens to me. I’m not friend who listened, friend who cared, I'm friend who didn't answer the phone once…or friend who (whatever I may have done to offend someone)…

 

It blows. It makes me want to stop putting time into people…but then I become someone who gave up.

 

02 September 2008

On Getting Stuff Done

I have a terrible habit of being both extremely busy and mindful of work and being incredibly NOT mindful of work all at the same time!

 

Its gotten to the point that its starting to seriously affect me. I'm so disorganized and scattered. I'll work on one project for half an hour or so and then get sidelayed by another project…sigh.

 

I really need to buckle down and get this stuff done!

 

So today I've started with my desk…so far I have it about 1/3 done. Once I'm done organizing that, I'll have my taxes ready to go, and my files will be clean. Then I can focus on the computer related projects I need to get done.

 

If you don't hear from me for a couple of days, call 9-1-1 ;)

 

Festival

No, I haven't forgotten to update you guys on what my trip to The Michigan Womyn's Music Festival was like, I just needed some time and space to put it all together into a blog post.

For those of you who read or stumble upon my blog and aren't familiar with me, or don't know, I went to Michigan to camp in the woods with some friends of mine. This was pretty big for me, because on a whole, I don't do to well without the modern trappings of life. Air conditioning, warm showers, brushed teeth…all things I highly value in life :). Fest would be life without some of those things, although they do have running water, so lets be thankful for what we do have shall we…

The Michigan Womyn's Music Festival (lovingly referred to as Michfest by attendees) is a festival over 30 years old that occurs each August outside of Hart, Michigan. I heard about it through a couple of friends of mine that play World of Warcraft with me. As soon as they mentioned it, I was so on board. It is a festival that only women who were born women and are living as women can attend. Okay that part scared me to be honest, I'm not famous for getting along with women…but yeah, I was like okay I can chill with the women for a week should be fun, opportunity to meet some really cool people, I was on board.

So I bought my ticket, squealed like a little girl when it came in the mail, launched into hours of planning and shopping and off I went!

The festival is a week long, in northern Michigan. This meant it could be hot, it could snow….so I packed accordingly. I was not prepared to get completely drenched and covered in rain from the time I hit "The Land" until I got my tent pitched. It was AWFUL. I was certain I had made a serious error of judgement and in 6hrs I would be home, warm, in front of my computer and back to reality…but I wanted to meet my friends so I stuck it out.

There isn't anything I can put here that would describe for you the wonder of Michfest. If you are female, and especially if you are a Lesbian, you should be required to attend at least one fest. You know how you have to do your Haj if you're muslim? You should have to do fest if you're a lesbian. There should be a special title like you get when you do your Haj. Everyone should have to make the pilgrimage at least once in their lifetime.

Never in my life have I felt so safe and secure. I could walk in the woods in the dark without fear of anything other than a crazy raccoon. There were no axe murderers waiting for some innocent woman to hit their woods. There were no men waiting to kidnap and rape me. There was laughter, and singing, and drumming, and talking, and whispering, and moaning, and SNORING. It was wonderful. The music of the woods mingling with the music of the women. Their voices carried on the backs of crickets and birds and winds and breezes. Light rain, and thunderstorms. Cold air, and meteor showers combined at firepits filled with women sharing.

Women sharing….everything. Sharing tents, and showers, and blankets, chairs, smokes, soap, food, laughter, tears, songs, hugs, soft touches, warm smiles, shrill laughter, soft chuckles, quiet moans…girls running free laughing and playing with new friends made and trusting adults they had never met to get them to their mothers.

There were amazing stories that made me pee myself laughing and amazing stories that made my eyes well up with tears. I remember the opening ceremony, sitting in a chair listening to one of the performers sing Bob Marley with tears streaming down my face. Staring up at the sky filled with stars and feeling eternally small and entirely huge at the same time. Sitting at the firepit listening to the women around me chatter and laugh just soaking it all in. Not wanting to miss a single moment of a single day.

It is virtually impossible for me to explain to you with any kind of accuracy or sufficiency what Fest is. I could tell you stories, believe me, there are stories…but they don't tell you what Fest is. I could show you pictures, beautiful pictures, but they won't show you what Fest is. If you've never been, you'll never know. Everyone's Fest is different, I was there with two friends and their Fest was insanely different from mine. There were thousands of women there and not a single woman had the same Fest as the next. Sure, we heard the same songs, saw the same performers, went to the same workshops, but we didn't have the same Fest.

Even my words here, in this space I call home don't do Fest justice. It all seems so superficial and cliché and inadequate all at the same time. Its like trying to describe what God looks like….you just can't. I am sure that this is why it has taken me so long to write, and positive that this is why the womyn simply call the Land the Land and call Michfest home.

Go..if you're a woman, Go. Grab your sisters, and your friends, and your daughters, and Go.

I'm sure I'll see you there :)

01 September 2008

Come Home

A song was recently sent to me by an old boyfriend:

Come Home - One Republic

[Verse 1]
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in their own place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oooh

[Verse 2]
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oooh

[Interlude]
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

*****************************************************

What happens though, when "Home" isn't the same to you as it is to someone else? What if your "Home" is where the water is? Where the love is? Where you can feel and breathe and be who you want to be who you are meant to be, who you need to be. Without apology, without fear, just you.

I need a place to call home. A soft place to land, a shoulder to lean on, a neck to cry into. I need all of these things. I need to feel soft sand give way to cool waters, suns and moons rising reflected on ripples moved by gentle winds. I need a space, all my own, where my music plays, and my interests are all that are important.

I cry so often lately, sometimes I think I'm cracking, but I think I'm finally allowing myself to feel. I'm letting myself feel the pain, allow the tears to wash over me and wash away the pain. I know there is nothing bad in tears and tears can heal. They aren't weak, I'm not a sissy. I'm just someone feeling what I feel and its okay.

I still don't let anyone see me cry though ;) I'm not going THAT far yet :)

So here's to Home, may you find it. May you have it, and if you do, please share what that looks like to you. To me it’s a place where my heart lives…unabashed, unafraid, unbreakable, unbelievably real.

I haven't found it yet, still looking :)