The road to who I am has not been easy. I would even go so far out on a limb to say my road has been very difficult. I did not have very many caring people in my life growing up and I certainly did not have anyone open minded enough to encourage me to be myself.
Despite all of this, the biggest step of courage I took was admitting to myself that I was not who I imagined I would be when I was growing up, and move into a place of acceptance that who I actually was is better than I could have imagined anyway. That form of acceptance to me, was the most difficult. Far more difficult than others acceptance of me. I suppose, not knowing what I wanted out of myself, others find it easier to see me for who I am, not who I wanted to be and failed to become.
All of that aside, I recently "came out" to my mom. It did not go well. It saddens and surprises me, really. She had to have seen it coming, but regardless, one would hope that the love one has for their child outweighs any "wrongdoings" they may do. That wasn't the case.
The hardest part of this isn't that my mom doesn't "approve" of my "choices". I expected that. It is the feeling that I wasted so much time. That I could have been happier sooner had I just bit the bullet and been myself a long time ago. If I had known it would cost me my relationship with my mom anyway, I wouldn't have put all of the effort, time, and tears into trying so desperately to living up to a standard I cannot live up to.
I am sad. That my mom doesn't get me and will never get me. That she misses out on meeting my girlfriend because she doesn't like that I have one. Mostly I'm heartbroken that she will never understand how desperately I just want to love her and be loved by her. How I don't want her to change, I just want her to stop being so cruel.
Whether that happens or not remains to be seen, but regardless, I am living my life for me now, not someone else and for the first time in my life, I am free.
No comments:
Post a Comment