07 February 2009

Prioritize

I cannot be accused of having perfect priorities. I spend less time on my weight than I should, that's for certain. I spend less time on homework than I should as well.

 

So I feel like a bit of a hypocrite standing in judgment of someone else's priorities, but my word. There just comes a point in time when you want to shake someone really hard and slap them into reality.

 

Sigh…we don't know how long we have with the people we love. I would hate to have made the wrong decision and beat myself up over it. I did that once…when my grandpa was dying. I was supposed to arrive in June but my sister wasn't able to come up until July. I wanted to see her, so I delayed my trip to arrive when she did. My grandpa died the day after I was supposed to have arrived in Wisconsin. I never got to tell him that he was one of the best men I'd ever known. I will never forgive myself for being so selfish that I lost sight of what was important and let my desire to see my sister trump the fact that my grandpa was dying.

 

Even now, I'm stuck here in Ohio miserable. I'm just plain miserable trying to get through this quarter wishing I was in Wisconsin or at least wishing that I could know that I can drop everything and go if I need to. Given the opportunity to go, I'd be there instead of here. I'd like to see my dad every day. I'm terrified that he's worse than he claims to be and that our time with him is less than I hope.

 

I went home for Christmas not prepared to see a dad who was no longer the strongest man I know and left not prepared to see the strongest man I know die. This is agonizing.

 

People's selfish bullshit is killing me. Its making me want to kill them. I've had friends accuse me of being a shitty friend because I didn't chase them down and ask them why they weren't returning my calls. I've had family members creating drama out of this world.

 

On the other hand, I've had a daughter that loves me no matter what, even when I'm in agony. I've had a boyfriend who will always seem to know exactly when I'm about to give up and pulls me back up again. My sister is amazing, listening and supporting me even though she's got her own issues to deal with in all of this.

 

Life is short….

 

I leave you with a song I enjoy:

 

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say


 

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