12 March 2014

I belong

Belonging is something I feel is a basic human need. I'm not sure that everyone would agree with me on this, but this is my blog so what I say goes bitches. (insert maniacal laugh here)

I've never felt like I belonged. I suppose when I was younger I might have, but I don't have many memories of life before 4. When I was 5, I was summarily dropped off at my aunt's house for her to deal with while my parents went to prison. My aunt and uncle were older, and their collective children were grown and out of the house. Along comes three children they didn't sign up for and they didn't hide their disappointment and frustration at being saddled with three kids. Unfortunately, the byproduct of that was that I didn't feel loveable or wanted and by proxy, I didn't feel like I belonged to them, with them, or in their house.

When I became an adult, actually throughout my entire childhood, I thought that once I became an adult, my life would be in my own hands, I would carve out my own destiny and people would treat me the way I treated them. If I loved someone enough, they would return the favor.

Then reality crashed in like a 90 year old woman behind the wheel of a Lincoln. I found that people will abuse you, use you, destroy you given half a chance.

Added into this was the internal struggle I had with my own sexuality and my external struggle to be "good enough" for my parents to finally love me.

By the time I have reached the ripe old age of 37 I have been convinced by the people around me and my own automatic negative thoughts (GO GO DBT Training) that I don't belong anywhere.

Recent events (which I have promised myself I will blog about when I'm good and ready) have led me down this winding path of self discovery and avoidance that is only worthy of a trained social worker who should know better.

So I say to my girlfriend that I feel like I don't belong to anyone and she says "well you really only belong to yourself" and I looked at her like she had three heads and was completely failing to pat my leg and assure me that my life truly sucks. (Which was really what I wanted in the first place)

Now that it has been nearly a week since she said it, and I've calmed down and thought on it I realized she is right.

I've been looking for someone else to make me feel like I belong when really I haven't let myself feel like I belong all along.

So today I've decided. I belong to me. If someone else wants to come alongside me and share the ride for awhile, good on them. I don't have to worry if I belong somewhere because I do...because wherever I am, I belong.

Be gentle, Be kind, Be forgiving. Belong :)

1 comment:

Heather B. Fox said...

Years ago as I was once again feeling alone and displaced, not 'belonging' as you say... a woman said to me "its because you haven't found your people". So for years I looked for 'my people'! Finally I understood this wasn't a magical place inhabited by like minded people. It was a space I created in my own heart to make room for the ones I care for most. People like you AyDiosMio.