Judgment

It is funny how judgmental I can be while thinking I'm not judgmental. More on this later, for now, I sleep..

There are people in some of my classes that I am a total judgmental bitch about and yet I find myself claiming not to be judgmental. I think it is interesting and alarming to me at the same time.

I wonder if we can ever truly be nonjudgmental. I mean there has to be a line somewhere that someone can cross and we say...okay that's enough. For instance, there is a heavy girl in a class I am in. She is extremely overweight...and a total cunt. I see her judging everyone else for not doing something she thinks they should do and then I want to just go up to her and call her a fat ass lol. Even though I am heavy myself I just get pissed off at her.

Anyway...is that judgmental especially since I am heavy? Maybe not, maybe I'm just calling a fat bitch a fat bitch. I dunno...

Its that Final time again!

Ugh I hate finals! All this studying and professors acting like their final is the onliest final in the world that you would have to study for. You can't possibly have any other classes at all in the world!

Ugh.

I'm particularly upset about my Geography final because its a LOT of information to have to remember about all of these hugely different places.

Today I have two finals and then I'm done! Just need to finish my English paper and then I can sit back and relax. Maybe take a bath.

I'm hoping for a C in Geography...yes, that IS how bad this final will be.

Blam!

You know you tell yourself that the day will come when someone is going to hit you upside the head with something you weren't expecting that rocks your world, but I never expected it to come from my eight year old.


SIGH

Why is it so hard

There is no question sometimes life is extremely hard. This week for me has been so difficult. Difficult to believe in what is important to me, difficult to remember who I want to be when I grow up ;), and then on top of all of it, my computer completely died.

sigh

It is so easy to get caught up in the drama. To get sucked into the perma pity party that we'd all like to throw for ourselves from time to time. What makes it hard is to persevere. To hang on when your arms are shaking from exhaustion. To take one more step and then one more and then one more..

Because then, when you push through and you're on the other side, you can marvel at your strength, learn your important lessons, and appreciate how awesome life is when it isn't so hard.

Connections

It's amazing how you'll connect with people. Like some people you try very hard to be friends with and it just doesn't work. If there is a line you can cross, you will if there is a way to get offended, you will find it. Then with some people you just click and its instant friendship.

I've taken some time to try to think what makes it so much easier to be friends with some people and not others and the funny thing is, there isn't any "thing" that is the magic recipe. Its really weird. There are people I'm friends with that have habits that completely annoy me and its okay and yet those same habits will keep me from being friends with someone else.

My mother would say that its some form of astrological compatibility but if that's the case, then why am I not friends with everyone from a certain sign.

I am a Scorpio and my boyfriend is a Scorpio so why am I not then friends with all Scorpios...because I will tell you, there are some Scorpios out there that would most certainly like to sting in the back. My sister is a Sagittarius and I get along great with her, how come I can't stand this twat in my class that's a sag!

So it's definitely not that the stars are lined up. Sometimes its not even that we have anything in common, we just happen upon each other and click. Friends.

One thing I do know, as I get older I get less and less concerned with trying too hard for a friendship. I guess I was more or less raised that anything worth doing is worth doing right and anything worth having is worth fighting for, but when it comes to friends it gets to the point where you just say. Enough is Enough, time to move on.

So today I'm thankful for connections. They remind me that sometimes it really IS that easy. They also remind me that sometimes, its time to let go.

Cleared!

So I went to the doctor today and everything is okie dokie. He does want me to try the armour thyroid out for another month and if this isn't keeping me steady then he's going to switch me back to synthroid. I don't quite know yet how I feel about that. I really was hoping that I could be on the armour and it would coax my thyroid into more normal function and I could cut back or eliminate the need for meds.

Instead, I'm all over the board. One week my thyroid is high, the next week its low. They are having a really hard time keeping it regulated so I'm going to just keep on with the armour and if its not better in a month, I'm going to go ahead and switch to Synthroid.

Sometimes my armour dosage will be really high and I'll lose weight like crazy and then I go get blood drawn and they adjust my meds and boom I'll gain ten pounds. It's too depressing and just causing me to not be able to get this under control.

Anyway, I'm excited that everything else is cleared up! Woo Hoo!

Honestly

It is my personal belief that there is simply not enough honesty in the world. Or maybe just my world...that's a possibility.

Regardless, I find myself caught between people who can tell the truth but won't and people who can't tell the truth to save their souls.

For example:

I have a friend who is currently lying her fool head off about something that happened because she doesn't want to hurt the other person by telling them the truth. In my opinion you do far more damage by lying to someone about something that happened instead of just fessing up to the truth. Why is it not worth it for people to tell the truth about something? Wouldn't you want the truth told to you?

Another example:

I have a friend who told someone a lie which was hurtful to them to avoid telling them the truth because she thought the truth would be much more hurtful. Yeah if you're confused on that one you're not alone there. Tell a lie that hurts because it hurts less than the truth?

Noooo tell the truth that hurts and if they get over it they get over it.

I would rather have the truth. I'll take the truth and hurt over it any day. If you think you are sparing me by lying, you're not. I am much more hurt by people who lie to me than I am by people who tell me the truth.

Finals are Finally done

So let the cards fall where they may, I'm done for the quarter. So relieved. This quarter has been hell and then some for me.

Thankfully, I have a lighter schedule next quarter and less stressful classes. I hope I don't ditch as much as I did this quarter though because that did me in. I would have done much better on my finals had I not ditched so much.

So regardless, out with the old, in with the new =).

Manipulate this!

I am not sure what pisses me off more about manipulation. The fact that someone is that stupid that they would manipulate me, or the fact that someone thinks I am that stupid that I would fall for it.

Either way, it chaps my ass every which way but Sunday to be manipulated.

I have a "friend" <--- note the loose term there

This manipulative little .... I need to read the ToS here to find out how much swearing is allowed in these things...anyway.

This manipulative little fine example of what a woman should NOT be manipulates and uses every person she can come across. Now I don't know if she's genuinely convinced that she's not lying or if she's just that stupid that she thinks everyone else around her is that stupid.

She concocted this elaborate lie that is so unbelievable you almost wonder if it's true because there is no possible way she would think you that stupid that you would believe it.

Now I see her log onto messenger and I just want to PUKE at the site of her name. I avoid talking to her whenever possible and everytime she manages to corner me it's woe is me omg my life is so horrible I'll never get over this fantasy event that I made up to cover up my other lies and manipulations.

It should be legal to beat the crap out of people. Seriously. You should be able to walk into court and say "your honor I beat her ass for being completely and totally stupid"

Thankfully she doesn't read here or I swear to God she'd make this all about her.

Problem is, I'm decent friends with her S.O. ...ugh. So I tolerate her because his friendship is worth it to me. /thud

Meanwhile, while I'm on the topic of manipulative people....I have another friend (I am telling you, my friend picking out skills are not the win) who is such a mess all the time and I am the one who has to deal with their crap all the time.

It's okay, I don't mind dealing with other people's crap but whenever I have crap to deal with, they are nowhere to be seen....EVER. I think I've been able to call them with a crisis maybe 10 times since I've known them. Whenever they call though...I'm there for them. Well except lately, with school this quarter I just haven't had time for it.

So blah.

Manipulative people should go live with each other on deserted islands where they can practice manipulating other manipulative people and leave the people who want to be genuine alone.

Aaahh the good life

Sometimes, it's just really difficult. It's difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when there is so much CRAP piled up between you and the tunnel.

They (no idea who "they" are, but "they" are) say that it is worth it in the end. You sacrifice so much of yourself and so much of your time and energy but in the end, it is all worth it. Is it?

I miss easy. Am I being unreasonable? Probably, I usually am. Easy, you used to be part of my life, and I miss you. I miss going to bed whenever I want and getting up whenever I want. I miss watching TV when it is on instead of Tivoing it for later when I have "time". I never have time these days. I miss you too Time.

So I'm working my ass to the bone and I feel like I'm on a treadmill here. Running and running to no end. I'm tied to this treadmill and I need someone else to get me off of it, but they aren't home. They're in their own little world watching me run thinking "Wow she's such a hard worker". Yeah, I'm a hard worker. So stop the world now, I want to get off.

Stayed up 24hrs to take a final this morning. After my final I cried my way down the elevator and to the car and then I called my boyfriend like everything was fine. I'm so exhausted. I have another three finals tomorrow. One I haven't started and I know it's at least 18hrs of work. I just don't give a fuck about it. The other two I have a hope of passing so I'll study for those. So another all nighter....but then I'm done with this quarter and good or bad, the cards will fall where they must.

I know, these days will pass. I know, this is all temporary. I know. I know. I know.

What happens when you get to the end? Who is there? What is there? What do you do at the end? Obviously you don't get to go back to easy, because you just did all of this work to get there. So you start over?

I need a vacation. I'm leaving in a couple of weeks for my sister's house and I'm going to be a cocoa drinking, non-showering, no bedtime fool.

I dare you to say something about it.